


inktober - phan oneshots

by coffeeandcatwhiskers



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - 1920s, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Sex, Angst, Anxiety, Autumn, Bullying, Depression, Dom Phil Lester, Domestic Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Drunk Dan Howell, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gay, Hand Jobs, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Inktober 2019, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Marriage Proposal, New York City, Oral Sex, Period-Typical Homophobia, Smut, Song: Brother's Keeper (Young the Giant), Song: Devil Town (Cavetown), Song: Movement (Hozier), Song: One of These Days (Vance Joy), Song: Overgrown (Oh Wonder), Song: SLOW DANCING IN THE DARK (Joji), Sub Dan Howell, Video: Daniel and Depression, basically i'm gay video, coming out to you video, masochist dan howell, mention of louise pentland, murder by poisoning, occasional smut, oneshots, reference to dan's childhood, sadist phil lester, song: WILD (troye sivan), song: road trip (diet cig), song: the king (conan gray), song: the night we met (lord huron), they just love each other so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2020-11-10 15:47:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 28,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20854274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeeandcatwhiskers/pseuds/coffeeandcatwhiskers
Summary: in which i submit a phan oneshot based on the inktober prompt for the corresponding day!!! unlike dan and phil i'll TRY to follow my upload schedule. i may be busy with school so whenever i have free time i'll catch up as much as possible. this can result in multiple uploads in one day, so i'm sorry to all who subscribe to the work and get MULTIPLE emails in the same day, even the same hour. a few of these will be sPoOkY sEaSoN inspired :)





	1. ring

dan’s hands are sweating in his front hoodie pocket, despite the otherwise frigid surrounding air. he’s nervous - moreso than usual - and he really hopes phil isn’t able to tell. the two are strolling through the greenwich foot tunnel, figuring they should start the spooky season off with one of the most frightening stops on their so-called “spook-list.” phil’s eyes are set on the ground, and dan assumes that it’s because he’s trying not to look up for fear that the ceiling will collapse under the pressure of the thames above. it’s quite different from that, actually. phil’s got a lot on his mind, too; he’s hoping dan won’t catch on. 

“phil?” his soft, tremorous voice echoes through the tunnel, drowning out the sound of his and phil’s footsteps.

“yeah?”  
“are you excited to see the gardens when we’re out?”

“of course i am. i think it’ll be lovely outside, too. we’ve only got like 5 more minutes.”

“oh thank god.” 

“it’s really only a ten minute walk, dan.”

“i don’t know if i can wait that long.”

“for?” by the time phil turns to face him, dan’s down on one knee, a black velvet box in his hands. “dan.”

“phil?”  
“dan.” there are tears welling up in the corners of phil’s eyes. he reaches into his pocket, pulling out a black box of the same sort, getting down on his knee. 

“phil.” the two start to laugh uncontrollably. how preposterous is it that they would happen to plan this on the same night? 

“i guess we know each other’s answers then?”  
“yes. absolutely.” phil pulls dan up with him, gripping him in a loving embrace. “i love you so much, phil. good lord. can i look at the ring?”   
“if you let me look at mine, yes.” they exchange boxes in a fit of tears and snickers. phil’s picked a black ring with silver along the edges for dan, and dan happened to pick the exact opposite for phil.

“wow. i love it. and it fits perfectly and it matches most of my clothing and i’m in love with you so very much philip.” 

“can we keep walking though? i want to get out of here as quickly as possible.”

“of course.”  
“i love you so much, dan.”

“i love you too.”

“good. it’d be kind of awkward if you agreed to spend the rest of your life with me and we hated each other.” they both laugh and dan takes phil’s left hand in his right.

**end**

  



	2. mindless

“hey phil. i know you’re not going to pick up. i’m sorry. please just listen to this voicemail at least. my phone’s almost dead and i have no clue where i am. i’m dumb for driving off like that over something so stupid. a lot just builds up and i get frustrated and i’m sorry for bringing you into it. anyway, i’ll be home as soon as i can find my way there.” dan clicks the red “hang up” button and throws his phone into the passenger’s seat to his side. if crashing his car was his first priority, he’d be bawling his eyes out. this situation, however, requires steady, quick reactions and a state of composure he never thought he’d have to talk himself into.

you’re probably thinking he and phil have had a gigantic fight. plates thrown, curtains ripped, voices torn. that’s not the case at all. dan spent all morning in bed, got mad when phil didn’t come in to check on him, and stormed out. it’s really not phil’s fault; dan specifically told him to leave him alone unless he asked for something, but he expected him to check in anyway. then dan sat for a while and thought he was pathetic for being depressed and that phil wouldn’t ever want to deal with him. neither of those thoughts were accurate. phil was in the kitchen all morning baking cookies and preparing a meal, that way at least dan would get out of bed to eat something and talk, if only for a little while. 

he pulls over to the side of the road and parks the car, lying his head on the steering wheel and taking a large breath inward. this is when the corners of his eyes burn, his lungs tightening and his shoulders following his rapid breathing pattern. luckily it’s still daytime; the sun’s in the sky and the roads aren’t too awful. he’ll just stay on the side until he can calm himself or until phil calls back. the former seems much more likely than the latter. 

at least it does until his phone rings. 

he sighs before answering. “phil?”   
“dan, where are you? i’m coming to pick you up.”

“i don’t know where i am. i just drove.”    
“what do your surroundings look like?”   
“uh. there are trees. i’m on the side of the road. just keep driving straight and you’ll find me i think. i don’t know.”

“okay. hold on.” dan hangs up and tries to breathe more evenly. he turns off the car, staring out the windshield. 

after a solid twenty or so minutes of waiting, phil pulls up behind dan’s car, getting out and walking up to his window. 

“hey. get out.”

“i’m sorry phil, i know i’m ridiculous. i don’t know why i make you deal with me.”   
“hey. i’m just glad you’re safe. do you feel okay to drive back home?”   
“i think. i just needed to relax a bit before driving more. i felt like i was going to collapse.”   
“we can just go back to the flat and talk if you’d like. dinner’s ready whenever we get home, okay?”   
“okay. again, i’m sorry. i think i just thought too much. or maybe not at all.”   
  


end

  
  



	3. bait

“okay, howell. truth or dare.” all eyes shoot over to the awkward curly-haired boy with the soft pink sweatshirt sat against the wall. he can practically feel his own presence shrink under their gazes. this can’t possibly end well. phil lester, his lab partner in chemistry, is sat next to him on a long couch scrolling through instagram; dan’s on the floor with a bottle of water in one hand and his phone in the other. 

if he’s honest, dan didn’t even want to come to this loud ass party, but phil asked him to come along. he’s thought highly of phil for the longest time. almost in an adoring way, he thinks, but he hasn’t ever figured how to vocalize it. this isn’t the setting he’d like for information like that to get spread, either. yeah, his myspace bio says he’s bisexual, and he’s stopped getting changed for phys ed in the locker room with the other boys because they bother him about it, but phil isn’t in gym with him and he doesn’t know his username, and he’d prefer he doesn’t know that dan likes boys. phil’s the only thing close to a friend dan has had in the entirety of his life. that kind of thing ruins friendships.

“uh. dare?” lyla, one of the girls on yearbook committee, breathes a laughing sigh. 

“alright, howell. you have to kiss the person in the circle you think is most attractive.” 

“oh god.” a couple of the art girls next to lyla sit twirling their hair and glaring at him. they’re kind of twats, dan thinks. he automatically skips looking at phil, knowing fully well he’d choose him if his reputation wasn’t at stake. after looking around and deciding nobody would want him to kiss them anyway, he asks, “can i just do truth instead?” phil looks up from his phone, thoroughly interested now. 

“c’mon, dan. you can’t just go back on a dare once you know what it is.”

“please? i’ll answer any truth. i just don’t like that dare.”

“you’re so lame. good lord, howell.”

“get on with it, lyla.”

“you’ve gotta tell us who you would’ve kissed.”

“i need to go to the bathroom.” he runs up the stairs and he swears he hears at least three people ask who invited him. 

he knew it was a mistake to come here, but he didn’t want phil having to deal with dumb people alone. now he’s against the bathroom door, clutching onto his pink sweatshirt and praying he’s not sobbing too loud. 

“dan? you alright in there?” 

“leave me alone.”

“it’s phil. i just came to check on you. i’m your ride home, so if you want to leave i’m not making you stay here.”

“can you come in here?”   
“of course. you’ve gotta open the door first.” dan laughs and wipes away his tears before unlocking and turning the doorknob. 

“you look rough.”

“i just got nervous. i don’t like truth or dare to begin with, and it sucks even more when the things they ask of you just seem like bait.”

“well, it can’t be that bad. i mean, you don’t like anybody here like that. right?” dan rests his head on his knees and starts to cry again. “i’m sorry, dan. you can cry for a bit. it seems like you need it.”

“i just need to breathe.”

“then breathe.” dan takes phil’s advice and stares up at the ceiling for a while, balancing out his breathing and then his focus. 

“so, what’s the deal? why’d you get so worked up?”   
“look. i really don’t want to tell you. it’s something i wanna wait to say. this isn’t the time or the place where i wanted to say it.”   
“well, it can’t be bad.”

“i don’t want you to judge me for it.”   
“how do you know if i’m going to react negatively if you never tell me?”

“because. i just know.”

“well, i think your sweater’s ugly.”   
“i like you- wait. you don’t mean that.”   
“you’re right. i don’t. i just wanted you to tell me what was on your mind. and now that i know, i’ll be taking that sweater from you.” 

“i’m not wearing anything underneath it.”   
“then you can take it home, wash it, spray it with your cologne and give it back in chem tomorrow.”

“so you’re not freaked out about it?”   
“why would i be?”   
“you just. i just. i don’t know.”   
“i was messaging lyla telling her what she should ask you for truth or dare. i was hoping you’d pick me, i guess.”   
“you sneaky bitch.”

“i guess you could call me that. oh well. you ready to go back downstairs?”   
“yeah.” phil grins, helping dan up on his feet and holding his hand as they head back to the living room. 

“where were you two?”   
“i was crying in the bathroom.” dan can barely get out another word before he’s interrupted.

“mhm. whatever.” lyla laughs and calls on someone else for truth or dare.

“can we leave?”   
“not now, dan. the party’s just getting started.”

end

  
  



	4. freeze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (temperature is in celsius lol)
> 
> also this one's fluffy and stupid and really just a filler because i couldn't think of anything creative

“phil, the heating’s not working.”   
“what do you mean, the heating’s not working?”

“i mean it’s 10 degrees outside and our heating is not working.”

“you’re joking.”

“no, i’m not.”

“maintenance won’t be around until tomorrow. i just got the text from the landlord.”

“so what are we supposed to do?”

“freeze, i guess.” 

phil rolls his eyes and puts a kettle on the stove for tea. 

“might as well make something warm. bring out your fluffiest blankets and your phone and laptop chargers.” dan’s already sprinting to his room by the time phil starts his second sentence. he’s back with five blankets, his phone, his laptop, and their respective chargers in less than a minute. 

“so, what are your ideas for how we’re gonna stay warm?”   
“well, i was hoping we could cuddle and drink tea and watch netflix, but if you were thinking of something else i’m cool with it.”

“you’re a man after my heart, phil lester.”   
“we’re literally boyfriends.”

“my point exactly.” they smile at one another and the kettle begins to screech. dan grabs two earl grey bags and places them in the mugs phil has sat on the counter. “milk and honey?”   
“yes to both.” 

“i’ll let you pour your own.” dan grabs the kettle and pours ¾ of a cup’s worth of water. the rest is filled with milk, which he mixes in with honey and allows to steep. phil does pretty much the same thing but with slightly more honey. he thinks earl grey is too dark of a tea for his liking. dan always offers to buy him some lady grey tea when they’re at the store but he insists that it’d be stupid to have two types of the same tea when he can just add in more honey. it’s small things like this that make dan wish he’d known phil his whole life.

“what do you want to watch?”

“i’d like to just sit here for a little bit. talk. drink tea. be in your arms. y’know. warm stuff.”

“well, who am i to argue with that?” dan grins, his dimples creasing his otherwise rosy cheeks. phil takes a seat, placing his mug on the table next to his armrest. dan leans against him, holding his tea in left hand and pulling his blankets over the two with his right hand. “they smell like you, dan.”   
“is that good?”   
“yeah. hope you don’t mind if i steal one of these from you.” 

“what’s with you and stealing things that smell like me?”   
“what if you’re not near me?”   
“i sleep in the room next to yours. you could really just come in and sleep next to me whenever you want, phil.”

“yeah?”   
“yeah.”

“are you sure the heating’s broken? it sounded like it just kicked on.”

“what?”

“the heating. it sounded like it just kicked on, dan.”   
“oh. would you be mad if i told you i said that just to have an excuse to sit on the couch under a bunch of blankets with you?”   
“you’re a dork, dan. all you had to do was just ask me to sit with you. you know i love you and there’s no reason to lie to me just to spend time with me, right?”   
“yeah. are you mad?”   
“god, no. i’m too cozy to be mad. plus i probably would’ve done the same thing just to sit like this with you.”   
“really?” he nods and kisses dan on the forehead. dan’s entire face goes red and he leans his head on phil’s shoulder, smiling.

“at least we’re not going to freeze, right?”   
“oh, hell if i know.”

  
  



	5. build

“everything just gets so difficult sometimes. i can’t focus on anything and i just want to break down. it doesn’t make sense at all.” mocha eyes fixate on the ceiling overhead, fighting back saltwater tears.

“dan, it’s been six months since she dumped you.” pj twists his chopsticks around in his bowl of ramen, taking a rather large bite and proceeding to cough. despite having a roommate and making well over enough money to buy actual food, he consistently resorts to noodles. something about consistency, y’know?

“but we were together for five years. it’s like having your legs chopped off and trying to ride a bike. it just doesn’t work.”

“i think you’re in use of some personal growth. discovery. exploration. experimentation. you said you’re becoming friends with the chap that lives down the hall, yeah?”   
“i’m not going to date him, oh my god.” dan throws a pillow at pj and he bats it away with his free hand. 

“you talk about him like you want to date him.”

“i do not.” dan crosses his arms defiantly. 

“whatever you say, dan. i know things.”

“bold statement.” they both laugh and pj carries his empty ramen bowl into the kitchen, placing it in the sink. 

“but do you think i should talk to him?”   
“depends on what you mean by talk. you could text him or you could have him in your room. people hear words differently and interpret them differently.”

“so? should i?”   
“good lord, dan. get his number. marry him. i don’t care. i think it’ll go well.”

“okay.” just then, there’s a knock at the door. “just a moment.”

“hey. do you have any almond milk? i know it’s a weird question but i need it for my cereal and i’m fully aware i’m eating cereal at six in the afternoon and why am i asking you instead of going to the shop?”   
“what?”   
“do you have almond milk?”   
“uh, let me go check the fridge.” dan leaves their black-haired neighbour standing awkardly in the doorway while he searches in the kitchen fridge for any non-dairy milk.

“we have soy.”   
“that works, i suppose. i’m phil, by the way.” he waves over at pj and receives a nod of acknowledgement in return.

“is there anything else i can help you with?”   
“well, i was wondering if you’d want to go to the market with me? or anywhere? i think you’re neat. my roommate chris told me i should talk to you.” dan glances over at pj and the two share a confused glance.

“that’s funny. peej over here just got done telling me i should talk to you.”   
“so, i’m free tomorrow at 6 if you wanna go get coffee?”   
“6 pm for coffee?”   
“it’s prime cereal time, may as well have coffee too.”   
“i guess that works. see you then, phil.”   
  
“oh my god. it took one interaction involving milk substitutes for you two to schedule a date. you’re going to have to learn to build from everything else like that, dan.”   
“i couldn’t help it! he’s too cute to say no to. especially for coffee.”   
“alright, calm down, loverboy.”   
“stop!” the two start laughing and both roommates spend the rest of the evening making fun of one another.

  
  



	6. husky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> waking up to a deep voice. (nearly almost smut but not yet)

“what time is it?” phil rolls over to face dan, who’s still asleep. now he feels bad for asking the question so loudly. he checks the time on his phone and realizes they’ve both been asleep for a solid 10 hours. he figures his boyfriend needs the sleep; they got home from visiting martyn and cornelia too late and they’d been up all morning getting around. 

by the time phil’s managed to check all of his notifications and send his brother a thank you text for having them over for dinner, which takes approximately thirty minutes, dan’s awake. 

his hair’s curly. his eyes are still partially shut. the light’s pouring in on his face through the blinds and phil swears that dan looks like he’s straight out of a renaissance painting. when he speaks, his voice is coarse.  _ husky _ , almost.

“phil?”   
“yeah?”   
“how long was i asleep?”   
“about ten and a half hours. why?” dan laughs and lies his head back on his pillow. phil’s lips crawl up into a lopsided in response to dan’s tired voice. it’s lovely on the ears - quite hot, if phil’s honest.

“i just felt like i’d been sleeping for a long time. we didn’t have anything to do today, right?”    
“nope. i was just going to let you sleep all day if you wanted.” 

“nah. i’m not going to be able to fall asleep.”   
“well, in that case,” phil stops to kiss dan on the forehead, “we can just lie here all day.”

“that sounds fine by me.” dan’s eyes are met by phil’s and he turns his head away slightly.

“your face is red.”   
“so is yours.”    
“it’s because of your voice. you just sound raspy and tired and i don’t know why but i like it. i love it, honestly.”

“really? i just think i sound sick.”   
“i’d beg to differ.” by this point, dan’s got his face covered by his blanket, his head rested against phil’s chest. “now i just want to kiss you.”   
“well, you can’t listen to my voice if your lips are on mine.” 

“so? what if i kiss your face instead? your neck? your forehead? collarbones?”

“phil, i just woke up.”   
“and?”   
“fair point.”

**end**

  
  



	7. enchanted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whoa a songfic? yes :)
> 
> (based on movement by hozier)

_ i still watch you when you're groovin' _

_ as if through water from the bottom of a pool _

_ you're movin' without movin' _

_ and when you move, i'm moved _

phil’s eyes are focused on the boy across the dance floor; he can’t really keep his eyes off of him. he’s seen him here before, and whether it’s from his looks, his smile, or his smooth, almost fluid motion, phil can’t decide what’s the most enchanting about him. regardless, he’d like to compliment him on his dancing. that’s when he turns to face phil, sweat beading up quietly on his forehead. his face, although bright red, is cast in dark blue light. phil could almost swear he’s the most beautiful being to ever exist and almost everyone else could agree. he holds out an arm in phil’s direction, almost inviting him to dance. 

“me?” phil mouths to him, knowing that he wouldn’t be audible over the sounds of whatever slow song is playing overhead. dan nods and waves his hand in a “come hither” motion.

_ you are a call to motion _

_ there, all of you a verb in perfect view _

_ like jonah on the ocean _

_ when you move, i'm moved _

“you’re cute. i like you. you should dance with me.”   
“you don’t even know my name. plus, i can’t dance.” 

“that’s nonsense. everyone can dance. you just don’t know you can yet.”   
“that sounds more nonsensical to me. you look like you’ve been doing this your whole life.” dan smiles and sways softly. 

“i have. i started dance classes when i was five. my dad hated it. thought it’d turn me gay. i guess he was right, otherwise i’d probably be at a different bar.” 

“oh. you like boys?”

“yeah. i wouldn’t just come to a gay club to dance if i was straight, no matter how good the music is.”   
“valid point. i’m phil, by the way. phil lester.”   
“i’m dan howell. now that i know your name, will you dance with me?”   
“i guess i’ve no choice.”

“brilliant!” 

_ when you move _

_ i'm put to mind of all that i wanna be _

_ when you move _

_ i could never define all that you are to me _

“what am i supposed to do, then?”   
“well, you could sit and watch and tell me how good my dancing is. or you could put your hands around my waist and follow my motions.” phil chooses the latter, allowing dan to guide his hands wherever they need to go.

“so you’re telling me you’ve just. never danced. in your whole life?”   
“i mean, i’ve played DDR and i’ll spin around in the kitchen, but i don’t make it a point to go out dancing with friends.”

“well, now you’ve got a dance partner. so when i step, you’ll step.”

_ so move me, baby _

_ shake like the bough of a willow tree _

_ you do it naturally _

_ move me, baby _

phil notices that once he’s started moving, his sense of fear for everyone’s eyes watching him fades away. 

“is it normal to just not be anxious when you’re dancing?”   
“it’s the one time i don’t feel anxious, phil. it’s an art, movement. you do what your heart and brain tell you and your body just moves accordingly. that’s why i like lyrical dance so much. the words and rhythm control everything; you just have to let it.”

“wow.” the sound of the music begins to fade out and now phil’s just focused on dan’s motions. his breathing. his words. him.

_ you are the rite of movement _

_ its reasonin' made lucid and cool _

_ i know it's no improvement _

_ when you move, i move _

_ you're less polunin leapin' _

_ or fred astaire in sequins _

_ honey, you, you're atlas in his sleepin' _

_ and when you move, i'm moved _

everything dan does is so smooth. clean. perfect isn’t even close to a valid description of all he does in his movement. phil doubts his ability to merely keep up with the dancer in front of him, his hair convoluted and curled. “how do you do it without messing up?”   
“when there’s no judge in front of you, there’s no way to define what’s correct and what’s not. you make up your mind and move from there.”   
“i guess i just need more experience then?”   
“yeah.”

_ when you move _

_ i can recall somethin' that's gone from me _

_ when you move _

_ honey, i'm put in awe of somethin' so flawed and free _

the song ends and they’re both standing silently, dan’s eyes focused on phil’s.

“so. same time tomorrow night?” phil nods, and just like that, dan’s leaving the dance floor and heading out the door.

  
**end**


	8. frail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (references to dan's childhood and also a bit of making out)

“please be careful with that painting, phil. my mom painted it when i was really young and the canvas is really thin. i don’t want anything happening to it.”

“dan, your mom doesn’t even talk to you anymore. besides, i know it’s frail and fragile. i’ll be careful.” the two are busy redecorating the living room and dan’s pulled a couple of things out of storage to help tie the room together. one of these things is a painting of the backyard of dan’s childhood house, which he’d never return to even if he wanted to. he’s much better off now than he was then; a depressed, anxious gay boy from manchester was one of the worst things he could’ve been and that’s how he wound up. at least he’s got friends and his house feels like home now.

“does it look fine right here? above the couch?” dan stands back with phil and rests his gaze upon the painting hung ever so delicately on the eggshell white wall above the sofa. 

“it looks lovely, phil.” the two can both easily agree that no matter the context of the painting, it makes the whole room feel less empty. now that they stand side-to-side, phil’s arms find their way around dan’s waist, pulling him closer for a hug. 

“do you feel alright living here? comfortable, y’know?”

“yeah. i’ve never really had a great experience with feeling like i’m in place anywhere. you’ve changed that.” those words are like music to phil’s ears. if nothing else, he wants dan to always feel at home wherever he is. dan leans over and plants a gentle kiss on phil’s cheek. “thank you.”

“for what?”   
“for being you, i guess. you’re just lovely in every aspect of the adjective.”   
“aw, stop that.”   
“i’m being serious,” dan begins, tracing around phil’s face with his left index finger, “you’re beautiful.”   
“if you’re trying to start something, it’s not going to work. we still have to finish redecorating.”

“please, can we just make out really quick?”

“well, if that’s all you wanted, i guess i can’t say no.”

“oh thank god.” phil pulls dan close, pushing him back slowly on the couch and kissing his forehead. “mm. you smell nice. vanilla?”   
“how’d you know?”   
“it’s my favourite scent. how am i supposed to not know?”

“fair.” phil’s lips place raindrop kisses on dan’s cheeks, nearing his mouth. 

“can you please just kiss me?”

“i’m getting there, relax.” and he does. dan can almost swear that any time their lips meet is just as magical as the very first. at this point, phil’s kind of straddling dan’s lap, hands perched on his shoulders. it's hot, and both of them want more, but they have things to do. it’s gentle and it doesn’t last long, but dan wishes it could just go on forever. 

“aw, come on.”

“we really need to finish the decorating, dan. the moment that’s over, we can continue. this is our home, after all.”

“damn it, you’re right. i love you.”

“i love you, too. now be careful with the plants when you move them from the counter to the table. they’re frail too.” 

**end**

  
  



	9. swing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (they're in elementary school and the same age in this one)

“hey poof. that’s my swing.” dan stands up, apologizing to the boy towering over him. he doesn’t even know the meaning of the word the boy used, but it makes him cry anyway. “don’t you know better? i bet you just wanted to sit where i sat, huh?”    
“i’m sorry, i didn’t know it was yours. i’ll leave.” recess is supposed to be fun, dan thinks, but sixth year boys are just mean. why would he want to play with them, anyway? he starts to sniffle and the bully begins to laugh at him. 

“dan’s a sissy boy! look at him! he’s crying!” the kids standing around all start pointing and chuckling, causing dan’s heart to sink down into his soles. he just got to this school and he already wants to leave. 

so there he sits, sadness-stricken face covered in blue sky tears, playing with the ends of his shoelaces and resting his chin on his left palm. a bubblegum voice permeates the silence and a hand is stuck out in front of him. 

“you look sad. i’m phil. what’s wrong?” dan shakes his head and looks down. “i’ll just stand here until you look up at me i guess.”

“sorry. i just don’t like it here.”   
“travis giving you a rough time?”   
“is that his name? swing boy?”   
“yeah. he’s an ass.” dan’s taken aback by phil’s word choice.    
“do your parents let you swear?”   
“only about him.” 

“makes sense.” dan wipes the tears off of his face with his sweatshirt sleeve. “i’m dan, by the way.”   
“i know. you’re in my class.”    
“so you’re the ginger boy that sits in front of me. i’ve never seen your face.”   
“yeah. that’s usually what happens when people sit in front of you.” dan laughs and elbows him. “do you wanna be friends?”   
“me?”   
“yes, silly. if not, it’s fine. but you seem like you could use a friend and i’m willing to be one.”

“i would like that a lot.” phil smiles, straight teeth baring themselves in a lopsided semicircle. dan can’t help but grin, too. 

“cool beans.”   
“only if you never say that again.”

**end**

  
  



	10. pattern

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> phil's caught on. (based on the king by conan gray)

_ crush always making me feel like ι gοt nothing to οffer _

_ but i'm the οnly one that can make yοu feel right _

_ ι’m the οnly one that yοu think of at night _

_ baby, dοn't lie _

phil shuts off his phone and sighs, wondering why he even opens those texts anymore. he knows it’s simply dan’s pattern; he’s too afraid to admit his feelings so he’ll go to the worst extremes to prove a point he doesn’t even believe in. 

phil really can’t be mad at dan. he’s always been the pushover type, no matter how much he hates to admit it. he just thinks it gets old sometimes and there’s no real reason to just sit around and wait for a boy to admit his feelings. still, regardless of his objections, dan still sends him a “goodnight, sleep well” text every single night knowing fully well neither of them are going to sleep. 

like clockwork, the screen of phil’s iphone lights up and there’s a text from dan. it’s different this time, though.

_ yοu're always talking tο me like yοu’re totally bothered _

_ sο why you always ring at the end οf my line? _

_ dοn't yοu got a girl that can make yοu feel nice? _

_ ιt's a dead sign _

can i call u

about what

i swear dan, if you and tiffany split i

don’t want to hear about it.

no, i just wanna hear ur voice

plus tiff and i arent even 2gether

she just hits me up 

when she wants sex 

pretty funny considering how bad

she is at it

fine. let me finish this chapter first

just a minute

hard to believe i actually do my uni work

considering how much my parents are paying

for me to go to school

instead of wasting their money by spending 

nights in my dorm crying and eating pizza

ouch

ur not wrong tho

i’ll be waiting for u to call

cool.

  
  


_ yοu see me as your lifeline _

_ οther bοys and girls never really made yοu feel right _

_ αnd yοu can't explain why ι'm always running yοur mind _

_ dοn't yοu see the answer's right in frοnt οf your eyes? _

“okay. what’s up?”   
“mm. how are you?”   
“i’m alright, considering it’s almost midnight and i’m on the phone the night before my midterm.”

“oh god, midterms start tomorrow?”

“yeah. it sucks to even think about.” dan lets out a small “oh.” and phil laughs. “why do you want to listen to me anyway?”

“i don’t know. i just like the sound of your voice. it’s sweet. a hint of humour in every word you say, i think.”   
“i’ve figured out your pattern, dan. why don’t you just ask me out?”

“because, phil. you know i don’t like you like that. anyway, we’re in uni and i’d like to not get too committed to something in my first year.”

“well, you can’t just run to me whenever something’s not going the way you want it to.”

“why not? you always pick up the phone.” that’s when phil realizes dan’s not the only part of the problem. yeah, he knows he could be more assertive, but it’s dan. he just can’t resist it.

_ yοu like me, oh, obviously _

_ sο why you trying to leave when yοu know that ι'm the king? _

_ (yοu’ll see) ’cause ι'm supreme (chοοse me) _

_ other lοvers give yοu no luck _

_ ’cause ι'm the οnly one that has made yοu fall in lοve _

_ (yοu'll see) sο just shut up (chοοse me) _

“so. you’re telling me you’re not going to date me because you don’t want to commit to something in your first year of university? do you even have your major picked out?”   
“i think law would be fun, but it’s probably a waste of time for me. who’s going to hire an emo kid with ear piercings as a lawyer?”   
“i mean, if you’re qualified people aren’t going to think about that stuff.”

“yeah, i guess.”

_ babes always flirting away, getting every number _

_ αnd yοu can have your fun 'cause ι knοw that it’s fake _

_ ι knοw when you're done yοu'll cοme running my way _

_ sο ι let you _

_ date everyοne and complain that yοu can't find a lοver _

_ 'cause ι'm the οnly one when the chemistry fades _

_ ι'm the οnly one at the end οf the day _

_ κinda cliché _

“anyway, what was your real reason for calling me? if you liked my voice as much as you say, you’d just come visit me. you’re right down the hall, anyway.”

“well, i lied about tiffany. we’re dating. i wanted to tell you so you didn’t get your hopes too high, y’know? i mean, she’s still reallllly bad at sex, which is funny because she has so much of it.”

“funny, you’re acting like she’s a whore but you can’t stay out of a relationship for more than a week at a time.”   
“i guess i just don’t like being alone.”

“so i’m your therapist now?”   
“nah, you’re doing this for free.”   
“you’re acting like a real dick.”   
“i guess. what are you up to?”

_ yοu see me as your lifeline _

_ οther bοys and girls never really made yοu feel right _

_ αnd yοu can't explain why ι'm always running yοur mind _

_ dοn't yοu see the answer's right in frοnt οf your eyes? _

“well i was studying, but now i’m talking to you.”   
“ah. i guess i should’ve guessed that.”

“yeah?” phil glances at the alarm clock on the dresser, pressing a hand to his forehead. it’s too late for this. “look, dan. i’m sorry you just come to me for your problems, but i have exams tomorrow and i’d like to get some sleep. got it?”   
“oh. i forgot about that. sorry.”    
“no you’re not. i’m going to bed.”

“sleep well, i guess.”

_ you like me, oh, obviously _

_ sο why you trying to leave when yοu know that ι'm the king? _

_ (yοu'll see) 'cause ι'm supreme (chοοse me) _

_ other lοvers give yοu no luck _

_ 'cause ι'm the οnly one that has made yοu fall in lοve _

_ (yοu'll see) sο just shut up (chοοse me) _

now phil is sitting, utterly confused as to why dan even bothers him with this stuff anymore. he knows fully well that when dan and tiff split, dan’s going to come knocking on his door begging to come in and talk. and then dan’s going to get what he wants and leave. 

phil’s not going to just sit around and be used like that. he dials dan’s number again and waits for him to pick up. 

  
“can’t get enough, huh?”   
“howell, shut your stupid mouth and listen to me. i’m tired, okay? i’m tired of you just coming to me whenever you need something and disappearing into thin air like a fucking ghost. i need consistency. i need you to be serious with me and stop treating me like i’m you’re on-again, off-again rebound. you’re either keeping me around or i’m blocking your number and you can find someone else to cry to when you’re dumped for acting like a dick.”

“wow.”

“yeah. make up your mind.” 

_ ι'm the οne you're coming tο when yοu're feeling alone _

_ αnd i'm the οnly one whο's gonna pick up the phοne _

_ lοοking fοr the one but it's me all alοng (chοοse me) _

_ baby, ι'm the οne, yeah, that's sοmething you've known _

_ nο, i'm not a quitter, yeah, ι get what i want _

_ ρlaying with yοur heart 'cause yοu give me the thrοne _

“so you’re just now deciding to fire back? where’s all this energy coming from?”   
“you’re pissing me off, dan. if you wan’t something you can’t just toy with someone and expect it from them. you’re either breaking up with tiffany and telling me your actual feelings or you’re losing my number. got it?”   
“i’ll call her, good lord.” phil grins, realizing that this was all he had to do to get dan to stop playing with him.

“good.”

“i didn’t know you were that upset over it.”   
“you’re obviously bad at listening then.” dan laughs and phil can hear it through the speaker. “so, do you want to get coffee tomorrow morning before your midterm?”   
“absolutely.”

_ **chοοse me** _

**end**


	11. snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan's in need of a coat and phil just so happens to have what seems to be the warmest coat on the planet. smut smut smut

he’s standing at the bus stop, hands in his pockets. evidently his t-shirt wasn’t a smart clothing decision today, considering there’s four inches of snow on the ground and the windchill is below freezing. dan refuses to pull his phone out of his pocket, knowing fully well the cold is going to drain the battery before he can even call one of his friends for a ride. luckily, his bus pulls up and he can hop on. swiping his metrocard, he greets the driver and finds an empty seat under a heating vent. this is when, he decides, it’s alright to pull out his phone. 

at the bus’s next stop, a few more people get on, including a blue-eyed boy wearing what has to be the warmest coat on the planet. his nose is reddened by the cold, taking a shade similar to that of his cheekbones. “can i sit next to you?”   
“i don’t see why not.” dan adjusts his seating position and makes room for the stranger. 

“this weather’s awful. coldest i’ve felt in a long time, and i grew up way up north.”   
“i could tell by your voice. do you live around here?”

“yeah. my flat is like four stops from here.”

“mine is too. that’s weird, i’ve never seen you around.”   
“i don’t go out much. when i do, i take the train. much quicker, i think.”

“it’s probably warmer down there, too.”   
“oh god, not during the winter.”   
“i always take the bus. i’m usually commuting from work to home and back. very rarely do i go anywhere else.”

“where do you work?”   
“starbucks during the week. i actually do blogging online during the weekends, but it doesn’t pay much. i just like writing.”   
“that’s nice. i’ve got an english degree but i’ve yet to write any books or anything. i help out at a newspaper publishing place.”   
“yeah.”

the two continue their conversation, realizing they’ve got a lot more in common than expected. dan lives two floors down from him, which is convenient.

“i make a bomb ass hot chocolate, if you’d like to come up later. i make it tastes just right before putting any whipped cream on. the flavour usually depends on the guest.”   
“hot chocolate would be fantastic right now.”

“yeah. do you mind if i get your number? just so i can text you later?” 

“yeah! here, let me type it in.” dan hands his phone over, allowing his seat-sharer to insert his contact information. he can’t help but notice he’s used three emojis, being the rainbow, star, and cactus in respective order. 

“phil. i’m dan. dan howell.”

“well, it’s been a nice ride. do you want to borrow my coat for the walk home? i know it’s just a few blocks, but i’ve got on more layers under this anyway.”   
“if i could, yeah.” phil’s lips turn up into a smile and he unzips his coat, handing it over to dan. 

“so, that hot cocoa. would it be any inconvenience if we just go right to your flat after we get off the bus?”

“i don’t see why it would be.” if dan’s honest, he can’t tell whether his face is red from the cold or the conversation. he can’t help but imagine himself and phil sitting on the couch with their cocoa and their hands intertwined. he’d like to see where it’d go.

by the time the bus reaches their stop, they’re standing by the doors and are ready to disembark. once they hit the sidewalk, a chill fills both of their skeletons. dan zips up the coat phil handed him and they head to their apartment building.    
  


“how long have you even lived here?”   
“a few months now.” dan responds with an “ah.” “yeah, i really don’t know how we didn’t meet sooner.”

“i guess we’re both just busy people.”

“perhaps.” dan unlocks his door and walks in. phil immediately realizes how homely dan’s flat smells. coffee and sugar cookies and a slight hint of cinnamon seem to permeate through the air. it’s lovely.

“sorry if it’s a bit messy.”

“it’s really nice in here, dan. don’t worry about it. do you bake a lot?”   
“yeah, i like making desserts for parties my friends have. it’s fun, i think. why?”   
“i don’t know. it just smells like a bakery in here.”   
“well, it could be in part that i’ve been in starbucks all day, and also that i make coffee every morning. i get bored when i’m not working. it keeps me busy and when i’m home i just sit.”

“huh. a lot of my work is office work, so i guess i like sitting.”

“yeah, makes sense. are you lactose intolerant or anything? i just need to know what milk to use.”   
“use almond. i can drink milk, but not too much.”   
“gotcha.” dan places a pot on the stove and dan takes a seat upon one of dan’s barstools. after dan heats the almond milk enough, he adds in the cocoa powder, salt, and sugar and stirs. “i’m going to need you to taste this occasionally and tell me what it needs more of.” 

while it cooks, the two spend a few minutes getting to know each other, interminably trading who gets to test the cocoa. phil tells dan a lot about his childhood. his brother’s named martyn and his first word was “light.” it makes sense to dan. phil’s got a bright smile, bright aura, bright personality. even though they’ve just met, dan’s sensing that he’s catching feelings quicker than he’s recognizing them.

“it needs just a little bit more sugar, i think.” dan tries the rest of the spoonful and agrees, filling a teaspoon with the granules and pouring them in, stirring, and tasting. 

“perfect. do you want whipped cream or no?”   
“always.” dan grabs the red can out of the fridge and tops both of their mugs with it before returning it to the refrigerator door and shutting it. 

a bit of time passes and their mugs are empty. the two are seated adjacently on the sofa in dan’s living room, scrolling through their plugged-in phones

“dan?”   
“what’s up?”

“i’ve been thinking this since i sat next to you, and i really hope it’s not too abrupt, but you’re really pleasant on the eyes. like. you’re hot. really hot.” this sends an instant bloom of rosy red to dan’s face, and he looks away. “oh no. did i say something wrong? i’m sorry.”   
“i actually feel the same. about you. not myself.” he laughs awkwardly and looks back up at phil, who’s got a pensive look in his eyes. “should we…”

“should we what? take our mugs to the kitchen?”   
“yeah. yes. let’s uh… do that.” 

five minutes later, dan’s head is against the armrest on the couch and phil’s legs are on either side of his waist, hands firm on dan’s still-clothed collarbones. if they hadn’t just met, dan would probably be begging phil to move his hands closer to his neck, but he decides that’s something for a different day. “phil, i want- hhh, god.” phil’s lips are pressed against the skin above dan’s carotid artery and he kisses him softly, wondering whether the boy underneath him would mind if he used a little bit of his teeth. 

“what do you want?”   
“i want to. i don’t know how to say this without it sounding weird.”

“just say it. i don’t care.”   
“i really want to suck you off but i’ve never done that before and i don’t know if this is the right place or time.”

“we just met and i’m already on top of you, i consider this a prime time if you’re ready.”

“well then, i guess i’m ready if you are.” phil laughs and begins to unzip his jeans, allowing his cock to press against the fabric of his boxers. 

“that’s for you, dan.”   
“aww, we’ve just met and you’re already hard! cute.” phil traces his fingers around dan’s face, watching as his lips part slightly. 

“are you sure you’re ready for this? i don’t want to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”   
“good lord, just whip it out already.” this retort sends both of them into a fit of laughter.    
“if you insist.”

so dan’s lips are wrapped around phil’s cock and his tongue’s movements are probably enough to make phil cum and phil wants nothing more than to hear dan’s voice, but obviously he can’t considering the current circumstances. 

“you’re doing great, dan. are you sure you’ve never done this before?” dan’s eyes flutter open and the look on his face is almost desperate - hungry, even. he tries to talk, causing small, muffled vibrations through phil’s whole core. “dan, i’m- oh, fuck.” with that, phil’s cum fills dan’s mouth and he groans a string of profanities before watching dan swallow. he pulls away and sits back, and dan could swear that’s the most adoring look anyone’s ever given him in his whole life. 

“i could get used to this. say, why don’t you make some more cocoa tonight at 6, and i’ll return the favour?” dan checks his phone, notices it’s only 3:17, and responds with a hushed, raspy voice that gives phil a sense of near-victory.

“i would like that.”

“good. you know where i’ll be if you need me sooner.” phil kisses dan on his sweat-plastered forehead and redresses before heading out, leaving his newfound partner staring at the ceiling, still in his work clothes and breathing heavily.

**end**

  
  



	12. dragon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heavy themes of mental illness in light of mental health awareness day, which was october 10th. suicide, anxiety, and depression are mentioned. this is written by someone who has struggled with all three issues. based on brother’s keeper by young the giant.

_ some days i won't get out of bed _

_ let air-conditioned thoughts inside my head _

_ like i don't know myself and i build up a fence _

_ push away the things that once made sense _

_ and i won't want your help all alone on the step _

_ waiting for the gates to open up _

dan’s head rests against his pillow, his eyes glaring up at the ceiling and his stomach growling. he’s been up since 8; it’s now 11. he knows phil’s worried about him, but he can’t help himself today. he isn’t lazy. there are a lot of things that he would love to get out of bed and do.

actually standing up, getting dressed, and heading out is the hardest part. 

on days like this, he keeps the curtains drawn, his phone on silent, and his eyes wide open. he’s been to therapy and his depressive episodes don’t happen as frequently as they used to (thanks to medication, he figures), but he still loses motivation occasionally. it takes a lot for him not to blame himself or feel pathetic, but he’s well aware that if he had the ability to be productive, he would.

dan’s worst thought is that he can’t take care of himself when he’s feeling this way. phil offers to cook for him, but he declines, insisting that he doesn’t need to worry about dan. 

he can’t eat, he can’t get out of bed, he can’t even look at his phone without just wanting to fall back asleep. it’s as if he’s drained of any emotion besides tiredness.

_ oh brother, brother's keeper _

_ i'll follow will you lead us? _

_ oh sister, mother's daughter _

_ i wonder, will you preach? _

_ will i learn to get better? _

before, dan tried religion, music, art, and reading. typical “justgirlythings” techniques that neurotypical individuals believe can fix mental illness. he was hesitant to visit a therapist; there was nothing they could tell him that he didn’t already know. only when his state started declining to extremely dark, scary places did he realize he wasn’t improving. none of this was going to help him get better. 

“mental illness,” his therapist told him, “isn’t just a field of pansies you can mow down with a lawnmower of hot tea and good books. it’s a dragon even the strongest army of knights couldn’t defeat, no matter how important the contents of that tower may be. you can tame the dragon, befriend it, lure it away with temporary distractions, but in the end it’s still perching on the tower and breathing out its horrendous fire. it’s never going to go away, but you have the tools to calm it. so, when did you notice your symptoms?”   
“well, when i was in high school, i was dealing with a lot of things all at once. my parents weren’t the most responsible. they were still really young and partied a lot. i noticed that i liked boys and i never got the opportunity to tell them because i didn’t feel like it would matter. they probably would’ve just shrugged and gone out for drinks.”

“and how did that affect you?”   
“i tried killing myself. and i didn’t tell anyone. i was fifteen and scared and nobody ever asked how i felt or why i felt that way. i didn’t even know what i was doing.”

“i’m sorry to hear that. have you struggled with or attempted suicide in the last six months? it’s just a question i have to ask.”

“no. i think i understand that it’s kind of pointless to throw everything away permanently because of temporary feelings.”

“well, that’s good. have you struggled with self harm in the last six months?”   
“never. i don’t understand that stuff. don’t see a point in it.”   
“that’s also good. it sounds like you’ve improved a lot since you were fifteen, yes?”

“yeah, but there are other problems that have come out of the woodwork too.”   
“tell me about them. i’m here to help you.” 

in all of dan’s years, he’d never heard those words from anybody. “i’m here to help you.” they still resonate in his head occasionally, reminding him that he’s not actually alone in the world, no matter how much he believes he is. 

by the end of that appointment, dan’s therapist had effectively diagnosed him with acute anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder, prescribing him with respective medications, and sending him on his way with an appointment scheduled two weeks from the date. 

_ sometimes i just stare into space _

_ watch through all the film of my mistakes _

_ i just can't help myself all alone on the step _

_ waiting for the gates to open up _

in 2009, dan met phil. they’d already been talking online, but they’d never met in person. it was a decision dan hasn’t regretted one bit since he made it. phil had dealt with a lot of things in his life as well, but he had more of an ability to discuss it openly. dan had simply bottled a lot of his feelings and thoughts up. it wasn’t good for him or his brain, and he knew it very well, but he didn’t have the money or resources to get better at that point. 

he’ll occasionally think back to how much more upset he was when he had silenced himself. he’d like to agree with his therapist’s dragon analogy. this dragon would burn every bit of enjoyment dan had. it turned him into his own prisoner and that was the last thing dan would’ve wanted to be. he knew he could tell phil anything and yet, there was always something in his heart telling him it’d be a better option to be quiet and leave phil to do his own growing and thinking.

that’s the thing he regretted. 

_ oh brother, brother's keeper _

_ i'll follow will you lead us? _

_ oh sister, mother's daughter _

_ i wonder, will you preach? _

_ will i learn to get better? _

_ one day i will climb down the step _

_ just give me one good reason to pretend _

so here dan lies, his eyes still fixated on the ceiling, welling up quietly with ocean wave tears. sure, he thinks, a lot has changed. a lot is going to change. and yeah. it gets really difficult to stand up or even wake up some days, but at least he’s stuck around and can wake up still. it’s a lot to deal with and a lot to get used to. dan knows he has the support and option to get help, and that’s the most important thing. he would rather spend a whole week in bed than spend the rest of time not getting to experience the best parts of life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a note to the reader, no matter what you may be dealing with:
> 
> it’s okay not to feel okay. life gets really really overwhelming sometimes and you may think there’s nobody on the face of this planet who understands you entirely. you might be right. no one has the exact same life experience as the next person, and that’s okay!   
you’ve made it through every single one of your worst days so far, and i know for a fact you’re strong enough to keep going. it may seem hard to believe, i know this, but it’s true. take time to relax. to recharge. to replace. you are the only person who has the right to say how you feel, and i promise there’s going to be someone who supports you no matter what you do.   
as for me, i extremely hope you’re well, and if you aren’t, i hope that changes soon.   
don’t give up! :)  
-coffeeandcatwhiskers


	13. ash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (alcohol use. woopsie daisy for some reason i just like writing about them going to high school parties together???? don’t sue me i’m young and a hopeless romantic. also yayyyy i'm caught up on uploading!)

“dan? what are you drinking?”

“i don’t even know. the person who handed it to me said it was fruit punch but it tastes like a popsicle and hand sanitizer had a baby.” his words slur together ever so slightly - tied legato half-notes in piano.

“how many cups of that have you had since we got here?”   
“four i think.”

“good god.” they’re at the end of year party some rich kid in their french class put together for everyone in french v, and phil definitely thinks he just put the party together to rebel against his parents. dan’s too busy staring at the swimming pool, dancing around, and chugging his  _ fruit punch  _ to care.

“phil. get this. okay? what if we went swimming?”   
“do you have a change of clothes?”

“no.”   
“then no.”

“dang. what even is there to do at this party?”   
“i don’t know. get drunk, puke all over everything, and leave? i mean, they’ve got a bonfire going in the field. would you like to go roast marshmallows or something?”   
“i guess.” dan sits his cup down and phil takes the newly-emptied hand, leading him toward the field. the girls who sit in front of them in class are sat in lawn chairs next to their boyfriends; their boyfriends are scrolling on their phones and pretending to pay attention.

“it’s pretty, the fire.” the half notes have crescendoed to mezzo-forte, pleasingly reverberating through phil’s ears. dan’s calm head is rested on his boyfriend’s shoulder, his curly hair casting a firelit shadow on his forehead. 

“yeah?” the brunet nods, the rustling of his hair against phil’s plaid button-up audibly obvious. 

“it’s pleasant to watch. it’s just moving, y’know? dancing around and lighting up the air. it’s pretty.”

“like you.” dan’s dimples bare themselves along with his teeth.

“i’m a different kind of pretty. i’m the same kind of pretty as o’keeffe paintings and bright pink glitter and scarlet macaws. fire’s pretty like...well, i guess a better word for fire is beautiful.” 

“i suppose so.”

“can we dance?”   
“what do you mean?”   
“y’know, you help me stand up because i’m too drunk to do it on my own, and i put my hands on your shoulders and yours go on my waist and i try not to let my mind wander. then we sway and our eyes meet and the fire lights up our shadows and you look far more enamored than you should and i start wondering why you’re in love with me and-”   
“yes. we can dance.” phil stands, adjusting his skinny jeans and holding out a hand for dan. the older pulls the younger up and as if like magic, dan’s hands gravitate toward phil’s shoulders. phil moves his hands slowly down dan’s sides, watching the boy’s face light up when he finally rests his hands on his hips.

“i’m glad we took this class together. i’m glad you sat by me. and i’m glad you asked me out for pizza despite the fact that neither of us could drive so we just walked to your house together and and kissed in your room.” dan’s voice is back to piano, the half-notes now quarter, marcato but only slightly.

“i’m glad, too. and i’m glad that seat was open. y’know, i wanted to talk to you a long time before we had class together. i just hadn’t worked up the courage and i didn’t know if it’d be awkward or not since im older or whatever.”

“i mean, i thought you were cute. a total babe or whatever. so i think gay jesus just made it possible for that seat to stay open until you sat there.”

“gay jesus?”   
“yeah. like jesus but for the gays. elton john, if you will.” phil chuckles and looks up. the ash from the fire is floating overhead, littering the clear sky like stars that astraea thought weren’t good enough for the rest of space. 

“i suppose so.”   
“i’m sad this is the last year of french we have.”

“dan, we’re boyfriends. it’s not the last time i’m ever going to see you.”    
“yeah, but it’s the last time i’ll get to hear you speak french for an hour and a half.”

“wow.” they both grin and dan’s face is visibly more red than it used to be. “how about i drive you home, we play mariokart, and if you win, i’ll just swear at you in french?”   
“trѐs bon, then.” 

**end**

  
  



	14. overgrown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> based on the song overgrown by oh wonder. 
> 
> (a bit of dialogue that i wish i could've had in my last breakup, but oh well. some things aren't meant to last and other things are. also don't worry they don't break up lol)

_ hanging on a silver string _

_ all the love that we could've been _

_ summer fading out the spring _

_ feel the warmth underneath your wings _

_ and i will never let you go _

_ i know that you want to scream _

_ take my heart slowly out of me _

_ forever falling in a dream _

_ all the love that we could've been _

“can we talk?” it’s the first time in quite a few days that dan has even looked at phil, let alone spoken to him. there’s a lot he’s got on his mind and he doesn’t know how he should articulate it, so he figures phil could help him out with it. 

“of course. you know i’m always here.”   
“that’s the thing. i feel like i never am. i don’t know why i feel distant but i do.”   
“you’re not breaking up with me, right?”   
“no, heavens no. i couldn’t. i wouldn’t. you know that.”   
“yeah. i was just making sure.” phil offers dan a soft, slightly concerned smile, hoping he’ll elaborate on his feelings.

“i feel like i’m not putting in enough effort. i mean, you’re always making sure i’m alright and trying to make plans and i don’t know. i just feel like i don’t contribute anything here.”   
“what do you want me to do about that?”   
“well…”

_ i never get high when you're feeling low _

_ i'm pulling down stars just to make you glow _

_ it's just the way you are when you're overgrown _

_ and in the middle of the night when you're on your own _

_ i'm chasing down light in the indigo _

_ it's just the way you are when you're overgrown _

_ and i will never let you go and i will never let you go _

“well?”

“i guess there’s nothing you can do about it. it’s me, making my own decisions, knowing fully well they’ll conflict with what you want.”

“and how can you fix that, do you think?”

“trying harder, i guess.”   
“listen, dan. i’ll tell you right now that i don’t think what we have is a waste of time. i like caring for you and taking the time to do things you want when you want to do them.”   
“so you’re not bothered by it?”   
“of course not. i do agree, though, that you could try a little harder. why haven’t we talked at all for the past few days?”   
“i’ve been trying to just pool my thoughts together and i guess i just spent too much time worrying i would say the wrong thing.”   
“yeah? you know you’re never going to say the wrong thing to me. i’ll listen to and consider all the words you say because i just like to listen to you.”

“i guess that’s good.”

_ promise i will never run _

_ catching fire, let the light become _

_ shallow edges of the sun _

_ feel the heat, hold it in your lungs _

_ never could've loved you more _

_ by your side in a quiet roar _

_ this is what my hope is for _

_ watch you float when the water's gone _

“you know there are a lot of things that i could get angry at you for, right? you don’t do any of those things. and if i were to ever get upset with something you do, i would tell you right away.”

“yeah. i know. do you ever feel like i don’t love you as much as you love me?”   
“lord, no. i know you love me, daniel. you just show it in different ways. you’re more reserved by nature; when you want to love someone you try as hard as you can to prove you love them. that’s what i enjoy about you. you’re open to me and nobody else so i know i can trust you and just have you all to myself forever.” dan’s face lightens up, his features no longer creased and his eyes a bit brighter. phil whishes he looked like this all the time: a happy boy with a smile upon his gorgeous face and his face encapsulating a perfect image of all that’s good in the world. 

“i’m not going to be upset at you if you know what’s wrong and how to fix it.”

“okay. in that case, would you like to go to dinner tonight? there’s a new italian place a few blocks away and i was hoping we could go?”   
“i would love that, daniel. and i love you.”   
“i love you too.”

_ i never get high when you're feeling low _

_ i'm pulling down stars just to make you glow _

_ it's just the way you are when you're overgrown _

_ and in the middle of the night when you're on your own _

_ i'm chasing down light in the indigo _

_ it's just the way you are when you're overgrown _

_ and i will never let you go _


	15. legend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> god dan is attractive

in all his years, phil had never seen a being this lovely - this ethereal, otherworldy even. his arms folded gently across his chest, perfectly coiled brunet locks atop his sturdy head, skin as smooth as jasper and eyes as dark as garnet. perhaps the boy across from him in theology class was a being of the stars, or perhaps he was crafted by the hands of the gods themselves - a being from a mythological legend. phil wouldn’t doubt it for a second. 

despite the professor dismissing the class, phil can’t seem to keep his gaze focused on anything but the boy. 

“what are you looking at?” honey-sweet words break the silence and alabastrine teeth bare themselves in exclamation.    
“oh. i’m sorry, i uh. i guess i kind of zoned out.” phil’s hand goes to the back of his neck - a nervous reflex he’s always had in awkward situations.   
“yeah?” phil’s throat feels like it’s going to close up. he should’ve known not to stare at him. 

“yeah. it won’t happen again. i’m sorry.”   
“it’s fine. i kind of feel like i don’t exist here, so i’m surprised you can see me, let alone choose to look at me.” the boy shrugs and raises an eyebrow. “so. why were you really looking over here? you’ve got this look on your face that says you’re lying but i just can’t tell why.” 

“well, since you asked, i might as well tell you.” phil’s hands feel clammy and he’s so damn anxious for no reason, but he decides it’s a much better time than any to tell the boy. “you’re incredibly nice to look at. and i feel bad for staring at you so often but i just can’t keep my eyes off of you. it’s like you’re a sculpture or something. like. everything about you yells perfection and i’m just the dumb tourist gazing idiotically at your likeness in the louvre. it makes me feel extremely stupid considering i don’t even know your name.”

“well, for starts, my name is daniel. my parents call me dan for short, but they kind of suck, so…”   
“m’name’s philip, and my parents call me phil for short, but they don’t suck that much, so…”

“i guess you got the long end of the parental love stick, huh?”   
“perhaps.” 

“well, if you’d like to walk me to my dorm, we could continue talking? i don’t have any more classes today. i like ending with theology. i like thinking about lots of things, i guess. what do you say?”   
“i’d like that.”

“good.”

and so they walk, phil’s eyes still managing to get locked on dan while he speaks or move or does anything. 

“evidently, when your parents send you away to law school, it’s not the best idea to drop out and go multiple hours away to study philosophy and religion.”   
“yeah? my parents didn’t really care. i want to major in english, but there’s a LOT that goes into it. i think lots of literary knowledge can help anyone, whether they want the career or not. i’m honestly not even taking theology to learn about god; i’ve read the bible front to back and got just about nothing out of it. i just like the idea of people blindly following something and trying to decipher why they do so.” dan laughs a little. 

“i used to be a church kid, but the second i hit 15, i stopped going. i realized a lot of the things they were supporting and believing in didn’t exacly tie into what i think or experience within and about life. i guess it’s good for people to make their own choices?”   
“yeah. i’d have to agree. my parents never made me go or anything, so i understood that i don’t need to show up to believe in something. i ended up growing up and changing a lot and realizing that i don’t really need to believe in anything to feel complete as a person. if i’m honest, fictional books make more sense to me than religious ones do.” 

this is the first time dan’s eyes fix themselves on phil and he almost feels out of place. 

“well, it sounds like we’ve both been through a bit that changed our opinions in faith, yeah?”   
“yeah.” dan nods his head and smiles. 

“so i can trust you?”   
“i guess so?”   
“cool. my dorm’s right down the hall, so unless you were planning on staying the night, here’s my number. maybe you could some other time?” phil’s face goes bright ruby red and dan chuckles wholeheartedly. “i’m only kidding. here, take the damn sticky note so i can go to my room.” phil does as he’s told and opens his phone contacts. before he can look back up, the heavenly boy has already thrown open his dorm room door and slammed it behind himself. 

**end**

  
  



	16. WILD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> y'all don't even know how long i've been waiting to write this one.  
based on WILD by troye sivan  
also smUT SMUT SMUT

_trying hard not to fall_

_on the way home you were trying to wear me down, down_

_kissing up on fences and up on walls_

_on the way home i guess it's all working out, now_

“you need to be patient.” phil adjusts himself in his seat as dan’s hand rests rather forcibly on his thigh. dan knows better than to distract him while he’s driving, but he figures he may as well give phil something to be angry about for when they get home. 

“i can’t. i know we’re almost home, but i just really really really want you on me.”

“i’m not going to do that, dan. you know that, right?”

“i know, i just think it’s fun to imagine, y’know? your hands on my skin, and your mouth on mine, and everything else just falling into place. sounds lovely, no?”

“dan.”

“what’s the matter?”

“you can wait.”

“i don’t want to.”

“unless you want me to wreck this damn car, you’re going to.” dan leans back impatiently into his seat, folding his arms defiantly across his chest. 

_'cause there's still too long to the weekend_

_too long till i drown in your hands_

_too long since i've been a fool, oh_

the two finally reach their small home in the suburbs, which is really only a few minutes from where they were, dan practically sprinting inside. after late nights out, the two usually dance in the kitchen and cook dinner with each other. 

dan’s a different sort of hungry, though, and phil knows it. whether he’s touch-starved or deprived of something else, dan does a really shit job of hiding it. so phil takes his time, moving through the house slowly, making sure his footsteps on the stairs are begrudgingly loud and spaced out.

dan, on the other hand, is pacing back and forth anxiously. he’s practically been waiting all evening for phil’s body to be on his, and now that they’re home, he doesn’t want to wait any longer. 

“phil, jesus christ.”

“i told you, dan, you need to be patient. you can’t just expect me to give you everything you want whenever you want it.” 

“well, i could just touch myself instead since you don’t want to touch me.”

these words light a fire in phil’s being, sending shockwaves through his entire body. true, he loves knowing how he makes dan feel, but he should be the one who gets to do that. 

_leave this blue neighbourhood_

_never knew loving could hurt this good, oh_

_and it drives me wild_

phil’s hands gently nudge dan backward, pressing him  ever so slightly  against their bedroom wall. dan’s skin is practically dying just to feel any semblance of touch. 

“please.”

“please what?”

“you already know, damn it.”

“yeah, i do. but i feel like being bothersome and i want to hear you tell me.” 

“fuck me. i want you to fuck me, phil. please.” his eyes are dark, gleaming slightly under the bedroom lamplight, and his mouth hangs open lightly. 

_cause when you look like that_

_i've never ever wanted to be so bad, oh_

_it drives me wild_

they’re situated on the bed, blankets thrown haphazardly on the floor. phil’s hands find their way to dan’s shoulders as always, pushing him back slightly into the pillows. 

“you can’t do that to me, dan.”

“do what?”

“the faces you make when you’re turned on. it just sets something off in me.” dan eyes the rather obvious bulge in phil’s jeans, laughing and turning his eyes back up. 

“i mean, it’s quite visible you’re hard. you don’t have to try to verbalise it.” 

“you don’t need to talk back, dan.” 

“i just like watching how you react, i guess.” phil’s grip on dan’s shoulders becomes much more firm and he glares down at him. 

“are you going to take your clothes off or am i going to have to?” 

“nah, i don’t feel like it.”

“christ, love. you’re lucky i wanna fuck you as badly as i do.”

“i suppose i am.” 

_white noise in my mind_

_won't calm down_

_you're all i think about_

phil’s hands are quick in unbuttoning dan’s shirt; the two were invited to a dinner party by a few of their neighbours, and neither of them wanted to be rude. 

“love, i was just staring at you all night, imagining the moment i’d get to tear this number off your body. i’ll be honest, i’d like you to dress up more often.”

“well if i knew that, i would have done so sooner.” dan’s shirt joins the blankets on the floor, landing with the gentle *puff* noise of fabric on fabric. phil’s lips find their place on his husband’s collarbones, his teeth biting slightly down on the skin. he knows dan likes this; phil tried it on their honeymoon and the noises he retrieved in return were well worth it. 

“y’know, i don’t think i could ever get tired of doing this with you. it’s just fun.”

“we’ve been together for almost ten years and you’re still not bored of it?”

“nope. i just love you a lot, i guess.” dan smiles, almost forgetting his impatience. 

“that’s sweet, phil, but it’d be much sweeter if you would just take my pants off and fuck me already.”

“i suppose i’ve teased you enough, yeah?” curly brown hair follows dan’s head, bouncing slightly as he nods. phil unbuttons dan’s jeans and pulls them down, leaving his boxers on. dan’s face goes bright red and he stares up at the ceiling. 

_running on the music_

_and night highs_

_but when the light's out_

_it's me and you now, now_

“you know, you’d think that after i’ve seen you like this enough, i wouldn’t be as stunned.” his fingers trace gentle, undiscernable shapes along dan’s inner thighs and he grins. 

“phil, stop. you already know what you’re doing. please?”

“fine.” phil’s fingers slip underneath the waistband of dan’s underwear, pulling them down and eventually throwing them behind him. a pale hand benignantly grips dan’s cock, jacking him off slowly, the other hand resting on his side. “you’re such a pretty boy. i’m so glad you’re mine, dan. you know i’m going to fuck you senseless, yeah?”

“mhm,” dan starts. “so get to it.”

_cause there's still too long to the weekend_

_too long till i drown in your hands_

_too long since i've been a fool, oh_

having already rolled a condom on, phil lines himself up with dan’s entrance. usually, he would prep him with some lube and a couple of fingers, but he figures he’ll just go in abruptly. 

“phil?”

“yes?”

“could you...uh...”

“what, love?”

“would you...maybe...pull my hair? i just imagined it and i think it would be-“ phil cuts him off, gripping his brunet curls gently and thrusting into dan’s ass. he can’t quite tell if the noise he just heard was voluntary or not, but regardless, it reverberates through his ears. 

“like that?” dan replies with a breathy “yeah” and phil repeats his action, letting dan’s sounds of response fill the air of their bedroom. 

they continue like this, phil whispering little words of praise into dan’s ears. 

“you feel so good around my cock, daniel. you know that, yeah?” he nods, a look that presents itself to phil as frustration gracing his features. “what’s wrong, dan?”

“hmm? oh, no, nothing. i just-hnngh-i’m close and i wanted you to,” he stops to take a large breath, biting his lip to hold back whatever disquietude is doomed to leave his mouth. “i wanted you to finish with your mouth?” 

“i could do that.” he pulls out quickly and dan almost whines at the lack of presence. 

so phil does as dan requests, only having to work for a few seconds for dan to cum. phil swallows and dan lies on the bed, breathless and tired. 

_you make my heart shake_

_bend and break_

_but i can't turn away_

_and it's driving me wild_

_you're driving me wild_

“i love you so much, phil. thank you.”

“no need to thank me, dan. although, if you’d like to hop into the shower with me, i still have a hard-on to take care of.”

“i’ll be right with you.”

end


	17. ornament

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some small holiday inspired fluff

“dan, it’s october. more importantly, october seventeenth what are you doing?” dan hangs a sparkly red ornament on the tree and turns around to face phil.

“decorating?”   
“what is it that you’re decorating, exactly?”   
“the christmas tree?”   
“who in their right mind puts the tree up before halloween?”   
“look, i was just feeling festive and i wanted to put it up now that way i didn’t have to worry about it later.”

“it’s. october.”   
“yeah.”

“good lord.” dan laughs and places the star on top before leaving the living room and following phil into the kitchen. 

“can you think of anything you’d like for christmas? i’d like to start shopping as soon as possible.”   
“i mean, i really don’t need anything big…”   
“i didn’t ask what you need, i just asked what you’d like.”   
“well, i’ve thought about it. i guess i’d like a record player and some old jazz records. sinatra maybe?”   
“you like jazz?”   
“i just think it’d be nice to dance in the living room with you while dinner’s cooking and we’re in our winter clothes and everything just feels right.”

“that’s actually...really lovely. i don’t know what i expected you to answer with, but now i’m definitely delighted.”

“good.”   
“can you think of anything else you’d like?”   
“yeah. the usual cheesy christmas gifts. socks, coffee mugs, quality time with you watching movies and drinking hot cocoa and all that.”

“that can be done as well. see, i put up the tree and now we’re talking about christmas. you’re even excited about it!”   
“ugh. i just want to savour halloween month while we still have it.”   
“you’ve been celebrating halloween since september first.”   
“i guess so.” dan rolls his eyes and kisses phil on the cheek. 

“now help me decorate the stairwell.”

**end**

  
  



	18. misfit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> based on one of these days by vance joy  
dan moves out  
phil needs a roommate after uni  
they get together  
cute stuff  
bleh

_ you think you're ready _

_ but you've got too much on your mind _

_ too much left to prove no easy answers _

_ you've got to work it out yourself _

_ you won't hear anyone but you _

tetris-stacked boxes and suitcases find themselves arranged in the back of a subaru crosstrek, covered by two winter coats and a backpack. dan had always told himself that the moment he turned 18, he’d be out of his parents’ house. he realized a long time ago that the world’s much bigger than the two-story house he grew used to calling his “home”, and everything’s finally falling into place so that he can see more of the world. plus, he had also concluded that his parents probably didn’t care where he went or what he did in life, as long as he didn’t bother them. at least, that’s what he tells himself.

it’s not just his family, either. home reminds him of school, and school reminds him of relentless torment, and relentless torment keeps him up most nights. 

  
“dan, you know you’re welcome back home any time, yeah?” his mum is stood by the front door, her face one of mourning.    
“why are you only telling me this now? as far as i was aware, you guys were completely on board with this. as far as i’m aware, i don’t have to come back here as long as i’m alive.”

“don’t be like that. you know we love you, son.”   
“i wouldn’t be leaving if i knew it.” he slams the car door and sits down in his seat, taking everything in. he’s finally leaving home. 

his phone begins ringing in his back pocket and he pulls it out to check the caller ID.  _ phil.  _ the two had been friends for a really long time, but since phil left for university, they hadn’t seen each other in person. dan had this whole elaborate plan to ask phil out, but he moved out the day before he was supposed to and it all fell to pieces. 

“hello?”

“hey. what are you up to?”   
“uh, well. it’s funny you ask. i’m actually getting ready to leave home and never come back.”

“are you okay?”   
“yeah. i’m just moving.”   
“oh.”

“yeah. why were you wondering?”

“where are you moving to?”   
“good question.”

“well, i just finished uni and i’m kind of in need of a roommate. also, you didn’t think about this yet?”   
“nope. i was kind of hoping you’d call and save my ass.” phil snorts, half-disappointed. 

“well, i guess it kind of worked out then, yeah?”

“yeah.”

“oh, i should probably send you the address for my apartment, shouldn’t i?”   
“that would help.” 

“alright, well, i’m going to hang up and send it to you. i’ll see you soon.”

_ the moment you stop looking _

_ wherever you go, you'll be in the right place _

_ you'll never know the difference it makes _

_ when you let go, and give up your chance _

_ i'll come find you one of these days _

after a few hours of driving, he reaches phil’s apartment building in london. he recognizes the tiny car outside that phil’s had since he learned to drive and knows he’s at the right place. it takes a bit of courage for him to walk inside, knowing he hasn’t seen phil in a long time. _ things are going to be different _ , he thinks, and that can either be good or bad. 

a nervous hand gently taps against the door, sending the rapping sound throughout the flat.    
“just a moment!” phil’s voice follows in retort. dan’s anxious for this. yeah, they’ve spoken in the past four years, but not face-to-face, eye-to-eye. 

the door swings open, and what dan’s greeted with is a man - not the boy he grew up down the road from, but a man. his hair’s dyed jet black, contrasting heavily from its original ginger. his jawline is much more defined; his smile remains the same, crooked and bright.    
  


phil’s surprised as well at dan’s appearance. he looks tired, but he’s still the same person. phil’s extremely glad to see that dan has allowed for his hair to go curly again; it looks much nicer on him than the straight fringe he used to wear all the time. he’s gotten taller, too. perhaps being four years apart in age allowed for dan to reach phil’s fully grown height in the four years they were apart. 

“wow. you look good.” those are the only words dan can think to speak. phil smiles, features dazzled by that signature lopsided grin. 

“you’ve grown. a lot.”    
“yeah. wow.”

“come in, come in. do you need help bringing stuff upstairs?”   
“that would be nice, yeah. are you used to making spontaneous decisions like this?”

“kind of, yeah. my parents didn’t want me getting an english degree, so i said i wouldn’t, but then i did because it looked like the most fun. imagine spending that much money for your son to get certification in a language he already speaks.” the two share a small laugh before heading out to dan’s car. 

“what have you been up to then, dan?”   
“well, i finished school. i had a couple of jobs here and there, nothing too serious. my parents wanted me to go to the university close to home, but i really don’t want to go. nothing there appeals to me.”

“what do you want to do then? career wise, of course.”

“i don’t know. i mean, i think it’d be cool to go into law, but also, what the hell would i do with that?”   
“excellent question. i couldn’t answer it for you.”

_ we've got potential _

_ but it's the future you and me _

_ when the coast is cleared you see the sunrise _

_ i see your soul shine through to your eyes _

_ when you're here _

once all the boxes and bags are in the second bedroom of the flat, the two seat themselves on the floor in the living room, awaiting the chinese takeout they’ve ordered.

“thanks for letting me move in with you, again.”   
“oh, for sure. i think it’s convenient how it all worked out, y’know?” dan nods and scrolls through his phone. 

“it’s really nice to see you again. phone conversations can only do so much.”   
“yeah,” the doorbell rings, interrupting phil. 

“you have a doorbell?”   
“yeah. i figure i’ll know when my friends are here because none of them look closely enough to know there is one, so they knock.”   
“you’re hilarious, phil.” 

“oh, i’m well aware.” he stands up and heads to the door, grabbing their food and returning to his seat on the laminated ashwood floor. 

“here’s yours, and here’s mine. they even left us fortune cookies.”   
“aw, how cute.” dan reaches for one of them and phil swats his hand away.   
“you know you’re not supposed to eat them until you’re done with your food, right? if you eat it first your fortune won’t come true.”   
“and you believe that?”   
“absolutely.”   
“fine. i guess i’ll wait.” 

“so, tell me why you actually moved out.”   
“what do you mean?”   
“well, let’s be honest, when you told me on the phone earlier that you’d be okay, i wasn’t too keen on believing you. that’s where you grew up and where a lot of your memories came from. i personally wouldn’t be okay with leaving that behind.”

“wow. you got me there, i guess.”

“get on with it, then.” phil finally opens his lo mein and pours a packet of soy sauce in before grabbing a pair of chopsticks and crossing his legs.

“i guess everywhere else just feels like home and the place that was supposed to feel like home  **didn’t** . the comparison’s stupid, i know. but i’ve only been here for an hour and it feels more like home to me.”

“that’s because home isn’t a place, dan. it’s the people there. i know it’s cheesy as hell, but i’m lactose intolerant and i wouldn’t be saying it if it wasn’t true. perhaps you just needed to find the right people to be around to feel at home?” 

“damn. i guess i didn’t think about it that way.” dan takes a bite of sweet and sour chicken, a pensive look spreading itself across his pallid face. 

“yeah. i don’t think you’re a misfit, dan. i just think the world you try to fit yourself into isn’t the right shape.” 

in all dan’s years, he didn’t know those were the words he needed to hear from someone in order for everything to make sense. 

_ the moment you stop looking _

_ wherever you go, you'll be in the right place _

_ you'll never know the difference it makes _

_ when you let go, and give up your chance _

_ i'll come find you one of these days _

“well, considering that now seems like a better time than any, i might as well tell you.”

“tell me what?”

“back when you still lived down the road, i had this huge setup planned to ask you to be my boyfriend. it was really stupid because you always seemed to look at me like i was a little brother to you or something, and you left before i could do it, and i was 14 and you were 18. i really really liked you a whole lot, but i didn’t think about any of it before trying to go through with it.”

“aw, dan, that’s actually really sweet.”

“so you’re not weirded out by it?”   
“no, of course not. as a matter of fact, i can’t say i haven’t felt the same way about you before.”

“really?”   
“yeah. why do you think i kept in touch with you after leaving for uni?”   
“because we were friends?”   
“i mean, yeah, but still. if we hadn’t kept in touch we wouldn’t be here on the floor eating chinese food in a flat that we share. like i said, i think it’s convenient how it all worked out. we’re here and it feels like home even though we don’t have a couch in here yet.” 

“phil?”   
“yeah?”   
“what if you and i were boyfriends?”   
“i don’t think it would be a problem. not at all. are you used to making spontaneous decisions like this?”   
“oh, shut it.” they both laugh and finish their takeout.

_ the moment you stop looking _

_ yeah, the moment you stop looking _

_ wherever you go, you'll be in the right place _

_ you'll never know the difference it makes _

_ when you let go, and give up your chance _

_ i'll come find you one of these days _

**end**

  
  



	19. sling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> based on the night we met by lord huron. kind of angsty but oh well. still ends happily.  
in celebration of 10 years of dnp!!!!  
fun fact: these boys are one of the main reasons i'm so out and open with my identity as a queer child and i'm really glad that they've come out and been so helpful to the lgbtq+ community. i started watching them when i was 10, figured out i was bi when i was 11, and officially came out when i was 15 after letting the idea rest in my head for a few years, and i've been a huge fan of these two through the entire journey.  
also i'm dealing with whether or not to tell this super cute girl how i feel about her, but she's got the cutest face and the best music taste and the loveliest personality and i kinda sometimes imagine holding her haND  
so  
a lot of this is what i would tell her if i wasn't so dang anxious that she'd stop talking to me completely.  
anyway i love these boys sm and i love y'all too :)

_ i am not the only traveler who has not repaid his debt _

_ i've been searching for a trail to follow again _

_ take me back to the night we met _

_ and then i can tell myself what the hell i'm supposed to do _

_ and then i can tell myself not to ride along with you _

“dan?”  
“yes?”   
“i like you. as a matter of fact, i think i’m in love with you, and i’m scared that you won’t like me back, so i constantly push away how i feel. i can’t keep pushing my feelings away anymore because you need to hear it. i don’t even care if you don’t feel the same way, but i am so incredibly starstruck and my heart skips a million beats whenever you speak or breathe or do anything.” phil takes a deep breath and looks to the left of him at his good friend - no, his best friend - and sincerely hopes he hasn’t just ruined everything they’ve spent the past ten years building. dan’s face takes on a somber tone, his eyes themselves even taking on a saddened disposition.

“phil, if i’d known that-”

“it’s okay. i can just stand up and start packing my things now. i knew you wouldn’t feel the same.”

“no. phil, listen to me. i never even said that.”  
“i could tell by your face, it’s fine. i knew i’d just make everything awkward between us.”

“i like you too.” 

“oh.”  
“yeah. i didn’t want to tell you either because i wasn’t sure if you’d even like me back.”   
“well, i guess that’s out of the way.”

_ i had all and then most of you _

_ some and now none of you _

_ take me back to the night we met _

_ i don't know what i'm supposed to do _

_ haunted by the ghost of you _

_ take me back to the night we met _

“so why only now did you decide to tell me?”

“i’ve lived under the same roof as you for a long time. we’ve spent practically every day together. it’s like when people bottle up their feelings and they get to a point where they just snap and break down and can’t stop crying until it becomes too painful for them to do so. my heart just hurt so bad every single day knowing that you didn’t know how i felt for you and now that you know, everything seems better.” dan turns to face him, pocketing his cellphone.

“that actually means a lot to me. you do realize you’re not alone in feeling like that though, right?”  
“hmm?”   
“some nights, i would just cry into my pillow because i had all these incredible, incredulous feelings in my heart for you and i thought you didn’t even like guys the whole time. i thought that avoiding you sometimes would make me stop wanting you, but it didn’t.” dan leans his head on phil’s shoulder and starts to convulse (although he’d prefer not to call it convulsing - more sobbing - he knows it’s the more appropriate choice between the two). hot tears stain the surface of phil’s sweatshirt and he leans his head against dan’s. the two sit there, quiet and taking in the silence between them. 

“you know you don’t have to feel ashamed of that, right?”  
“phil, i didn’t have the same upbringing you did. i feel ashamed of everything i do if it isn’t everything my parents did, and that’s not even how they taught me. i just felt like i had to do everything their way, and if i didn’t, it was illegal or something. i don’t know. i’ve been pressuring myself for the longest time and you’re the only person i feel like i don’t have to do that around. i’m sorry.”

“don’t be, dan. y’know, if it helps you to feel any better, i’ve been into you since the moment we first spoke. i think you’re unique. as a matter of fact, you’ve grown more and more beautiful every single day i’ve known you.”

“really?”  
“yes. i wouldn’t say it if i didn’t believe it.”

“i suppose you’re right about that.” phil dries the tears off of dan’s cheeks and pulls him closer, soft shirtsleeves embracing the younger of the two in the older’s presence. 

_ when the night was full of terrors _

_ and your eyes were filled with tears _

_ when you had not touched me yet _

_ take me back to the night we met _

“i remember everything about that day, dan. you know that? i remember what you ordered at starbucks, and i remember how awkward your handshake was, and i remember how you kept staring out the window. what i remember most is how your eyes would lock on me every time i even breathed or made any noise, just to follow what i was doing. you’re far more attentive than a lot of people probably want to give you credit for, and i bet you didn’t even realise i took note of that. i did.” signature wide-eyed browns fixate on baby blues and the ends of dan’s lips curl upward. 

“that’s actually really sweet. i remember how nervous i was riding the train to meet you. i’d keep checking my phone despite it inevitably not having good signal on the tube, and i’d just think about how i’d greet you when i got there, and i tried really hard to just convince myself not to let it be anything more than meeting an online friend. but you sat across from me and we talked for what must’ve been hours. god, your laugh. that’s like white hot lightning striking a dead tree in the middle of a foreign field. it’s like the sunlight tearing through the darkest clouds and shrouding everything it sees in complete brightness.” by this point, phil’s face is burning red, his eyes only slightly watering. 

“that’s the nicest thing anybody’s ever said about me, good lord, daniel.”

_ i had all and then most of you _

_ some and now none of you _

_ take me back to the night we met _

“it’s like, before we met, my whole brain was stuck in an infirmary, all four limbs in a sling. fractured. and useless. and at that point rather paralyzed. then you strolled into that damn starbucks with your stupid suburban mother looking hair that matched mine far too well and we met and i don’t know if anything else could’ve healed my heart, my mind, or even my soul so perfectly.” 

“okay. now you’re just speaking to make me cry, howell. give it a rest.”  
“i can’t help it! i really do like you a lot, phil. and i’m glad i’ve gotten to spend the last ten years with someone as lovely as yourself. i think really highly of you. i always have.”   
“at the end of the day, i’m glad we’ve been able to talk about this with each other. it means a lot that i’ve got someone to trust with my feelings and who actually feels the same about me.”

“same here.”

_ i don't know what i'm supposed to do _

_ haunted by the ghost of you _

_ take me back to the night we met _

“and what if this doesn’t work out?”  
“what do you mean, this?” phil’s voice is rather high-pitched in asking this question. he knows exactly what dan means.   
“you and i. being together. boyfriends or whatever. what if we don’t work?”   
“trust me, dan. that should be the least of our worries.”   
“i wish we could’ve just been together from the beginning and that we hadn’t waited this long to tell each other.”   
“yeah, i feel the same. some things just come naturally, i think. regardless, i’m sure it’ll work perfectly.” phil plants a soft kiss on dan’s forehead and for once, everything in the world feels like it’s falling into place.

“good.”

**end**

  



	20. tread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> part two to chapter fifteen: legend, in which dan catches phil staring at him in theology class.
> 
> this time phil finally goes to dan's dorm room.
> 
> they make out haha

“hey dumbass. the tires on your car look like they’re completely bare. haven’t you ever heard of tread?” he looks past the back of his umbrella to see that perfectly sculpted being in perfect view.    
“i’m a college student working two jobs just to pay for gas and to live. do i look like i have the money for new tires?”   
“well, it’s raining and i don’t want you dying because you’ve hydroplaned and flipped your ride 15 times, so why don’t you just come back to my dorm?”  _ god, absolutely, _ phil thinks to himself. he’s been waiting for an accidental invitation so he doesn’t sound rude or something inviting himself over. “my roommates are out of town for some concert, so if you want to stay the night i’ve got no reservations against it.”

“i suppose.” phil locks his car back up after grabbing his bookbag from the passenger’s seat, making sure he hasn’t left anything valuable inside. 

  
“how are your marks? do you think you’ll pass the final for theology?”   
“i think i’ll be fine, considering that unlike most of our class i’ve been passing the entire class from week one.”

“you realize most of the people in that class either do acid or smoke weed to make everything more exciting, right?”   
“yeah. i hope you’re not one of those kids.”   
“never have been. i don’t need drugs to get high. being around that many people at once already gives me insane amounts of energy.” 

“i guess that’s good. i suppose anyone would rather be hyper than have a ketamine addiction.” dan chuckles and starts his car, pulling out of the parking spot. 

on the short drive back to the dorm hall, the two share a bit of small talk. “how do you like the weather?”, “what’s it like back home?”, “are you excited for the holidays?”. real small talk. 

phil would love to just sit forever and talk about his entire life with the boy, but he thinks everything about dan is far more interesting than everything about himself.  _ dan would probably get bored and laugh just to seem like he’s still paying attention. or maybe he wouldn’t _ , phil thinks,  _ because he’s probably nicer and more understanding than that _ . regardless, the two have known each other for a few months now and nothing too intense has ever happened between them. they’ve held hands jokingly and kissed each other at parties on dares, but nothing serious has ever come from it. maybe dan wants more than that and that’s why he keeps begging phil to come around. 

once they reach dan’s dorm, they walk inside with backpacks in tow. 

“you can just sit your stuff on the couch. it’s not like we actually sit on it anyway. most times we just end up on the floor with wii controllers and shit tons of popcorn. gotta love it.”

“sounds fun. my dormmate’s never actually there; he sleeps at his girlfriend’s place most of the time and even then, she’s not in uni. i don’t know why i don’t invite you over sometime.”   
“i don’t know why it took you this long to come over, phil. honestly.” 

“what’s that supposed to mean?”   
“oh, you know. when we kiss each other just to get a rise out of fraternity d-bags or because we’re bored, you don’t feel anything? because when you open your eyes and you look at me, it doesn’t seem like you’re devoid of feeling.”

“how do you suppose that?”   
“because it’s the same way i used to look at boys in high school when we did the same exact thing. i think you’re insecure, phil. you’ve got lots of feelings about me,” dan gives him a short-lived glance, and looks back into his eyes. “and i’m going to figure you out by the end of this.” 

by now there’s a tangible lump in phil’s throat and dan’s simply staring him down. if phil’s honest, this sort of self discovery was what he almost expected from his university experience, although he had imagined it would happen sooner than this. regardless, it’s happening and that in itself is enough.

“so,” dan starts, moving himself a bit closer to phil, almost as if to intimidate him. “how am i supposed to believe you’re not invested romantically? i mean, we only started speaking to one another because you couldn’t keep those wandering eyes of yours off me.”

“i mean, i never said that i don’t like you or anything.”

“i never said you did, but thank you for confirming it for me.” phil rolls his eyes and dan inches a bit closer. “so if i were to do this,” he stops for a second and rests one of his hands on phil’s thigh, gripping slightly. phil’s reaction is visible and he holds back any semblance of sound. “do you feel anything in response to that?”

“if i told you no, you’d know i’m lying.”

“exactly. you’re into me, lester. if you weren’t, we wouldn’t even be sitting this close.”

“are you sure that even makes a distance?”   
“it does when your face is all red, doofus.” dan laughs. “i’m only joking about you being a doofus. as a matter of fact, i think you know exactly what you’re trying to do, phil. i think you’re trying to act like you’re not getting all flustered, but your face gives you away.”

“i’m not trying to act unbothered, dan. i just don’t want to seem like i’m. i don’t know, a whore?”

“i’m not going to think you’re a whore. i mean, you’re still a virgin and it’s your fourth year of uni. that’s gotta be voluntary.”

“who told you i was a virgin?”   
“i just assumed. thank you again for assuring me.” 

“so, dan. tell me, how do you plan on figuring out just how i feel about you?”

“i’m already doing it.” dan leans in, pressing his lips softly on phil’s. he’s usually much quicker with it, and that’s what makes phil think dan’s just doing it for attention sometimes. but no, this is different. dan seems genuinely invested and his lips are incredibly soft and phil figures  _ hell, why not? _

so there they are, about five minutes later, with phil on dan’s lap and their lips still locked. they’re only kissing; neither of them have even dared to move from this position since they entered it. 

“you like me, phil. you like me, i know that much. but you seem scared. you seem like you don’t want to get too invested in anything if you don’t know where it’s going to go. you’re just afraid. you’re a scared college boy who hasn’t even figured out where he belongs but you know you’d like for your place of belonging to be next to me.” phil leans back and stares up at the ceiling. 

“god, i guess you’re right.”

“yes! i did it! i figured you out, lester. okay, what do you say we order pizza and we make out until it gets here?”   
“i would like that.”

“good, because i didn’t wanna sit and do nothing while waiting for pizza.”

**end**

  
  



	21. treasure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some cute domestic phluffy phan to drown out the INTENSITY of the past few :)

the two are sat comfortably on the sofa, taking in the morning sunlight and the delight of one another’s company. it’s a cozy monday morning; the kind people don’t get often. nothing to do, no one to socialise with, nowhere to be.

“phil?”

“mhm?”

“do you ever just sit and think about these kinds of days?”   
“what do you mean? i’m thinking about it right now because you brought it up.”   
“right. but like. wouldn’t you just like every day to be just like today? where the world’s not waiting for you but you don’t feel guilty for getting nothing done?”   
“i suppose i do wish that, but i also like having things to do and getting them done.”   
“valid point,” dan begins, taking a slow sip of coffee from his one direction mug and chuckling. 

“y’know, phil?”   
“mhm?” 

“you’re just a treasure. a gift. you’re a whole entire blessing and i’m so happy i have you in my life. i know i tell you i love you a lot, but i never really go into detail. three quick words made of eight quick letters in a quick morningtime conversation don’t ever go as far as you want them to, regardless of how heartfelt they sound.”   
“are you okay? you sound like a greeting card on cocaine.”

“yeah, i’m okay. i’m sorry if i’m being too wholesome or something. i just wanted to remind you of how much i actually love you.”

“well, i hope you know i feel the same. i mean, how lovely is it that we’re best friends and also in love? it makes every day more bearable knowing you’re just a few footsteps away.”

“it’s very lovely. like you, you damn angel boy. c’mere.” gestures phil closer and leans his head against phil’s bright yellow sweatshirt-clad chest. “i love you so much. and i love this sweatshirt, and i love monday mornings and coffee and getting to just spend so much time with you all the time!”

“same. although i do have to get up at some point today to edit a video.”   
“when have you ever actually stuck to your edit and upload schedules?”   
“never. this is three weeks past when i planned to edit it.”   
“okay, i guess that’s fine.”   
“you just wanna lie on me all day, dan, don’t you?”   
“hehehe, yeah.”

“dork.”   
  


**end**

  
  



	22. ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (based on SLOW DANCING IN THE DARK by joji)
> 
> alcohol use in this one
> 
> also
> 
> phil rejects dan without realizing dan's going to feel rejected
> 
> also
> 
> i usually use the whole song but i'm just. Not feeling this right now so i only wrote a fraction of what i would have. sorry if that's disappointing to anyone? idk. i just haven't been having the best time lately.

_ i don’t want a friend, i want my life in two (my life in two) _

_ just one more night waiting to get there _

_ waiting for you (waiting for you) _

dan’s lying on the floor in the kitchen, a bottle of vodka in one hand and his phone in the other. usually he’d be out with his friends - louise, pj, and chris. tonight, he was supposed to be out with phil. this obviously didn’t end up happening, otherwise dan wouldn’t be drinking in the comfort of his own home.

it wouldn’t hurt his feelings if he didn’t jump to conclusions so quickly. dan thinks phil’s ghosting him - that he’s lost all interest in being around him. that’s not at all the case, but if dan knew the truth, it would hurt his feelings even more. 

so here he is, hazily scrolling through his text conversations with phil, wondering where he could’ve possibly gone wrong. in an attempt to stand up and head to his bedroom for the night, he drops his phone and vodka, slipping on the floor and ripping the jacket he planned on wearing out. luckily his phone screen isn’t shattered; the bottle, however, is. 

his text notification goes off and he checks the screen. despite his partially blurred vision, he can make out the name and the words.

_ when i’m around slow dancing in the dark _

_ don’t follow me, you’ll end up in my arms _

_ you done made up your mind _

_ i don’t need no more signs _

it’s a text from phil, which is the last thing he wants right now. 

“can i call?”   
“saure.”   
“what?”

dan ends up dialing phil and waiting for him to pick up.

“what are you on?”   
“what do you mean?” he can feel the slur of his words on the tip of his tongue.   
“okay, dan, you’re drunk. i can tell. are you home?”   
“yeah. i don’t know where else i would be.” he stares at the pieces of broken glass on the floor and debates grabbing the broom to sweep them up. 

“i just wanted to make sure you were safe.”   
“you’re only asking now? i thought we were going out tonight. what could’ve been that important? what was so pressing that you had to cancel plans with me?”   
“well we had a business meeting and it ran over, and you remember my one co-worker i was telling you about, yeah? we’re just getting done with dinner. he’s actually really kind.”   
“oh. yeah.” dan’s eyes well up; he should’ve known phil had other people to be around besides him. he feels selfish for feeling this entitled to any of phil’s time, but when it’s promised and then taken away with no real explanation, he should have that right. 

right?

_ can you? can you? _

_ give me reasons we should be complete _

_ you should be with him, i can’t compete _

_ you looked at me like i was someone else, oh well _

_ can’t you see? i don’t wanna slow dance in the dark _

“phil, i didn’t want to make a big deal out of this, but now that you’ve called i might as well.”

“oh?”   
“i like being around you. i like hearing your voice and having fun and seeing you smile whenever i smile. it makes me feel special. you can’t just blow me off for no reason.”   
“i had reason-”   
“you never explained it. i thought you were tired of me or something. like you didn’t want anything to do with me and that you were just ditching me.”   
“it’s not like we were going on a date or anything, dan- oh. you didn’t think it was a date, did you?”   
“i mean, i suppose i did.”

“oh, dan. i didn’t even know you felt like that. now i feel bad.”

“well, when you constantly remind me of when you’re going to come pick me up, you tell me to add it to my calendar, and tell me to dress nicely, i’m going to assume that it’s a date. i’m so sorry i misconstrued whatever you were trying to put across.”

“i guess i can see how you saw it that way. i’m still really sorry for canceling on you.”   
“you know what, phil? you don’t have to be sorry. there are obviously reasons for why you ditched me. you like him better, don’t you?”   
“who said i liked him?”   
“you literally told me you went to dinner with him instead of going with me tonight. you can just tell me if you’re going to drop plans last second. i’d rather know ahead of time than look this good for nothing.”   
“you need to go to bed, dan. we can talk about this more tomorrow morning. take a couple of ibuprofen and drink some water.”

“fine. only because i know what’s best for me.”

“good. again, i’m sorry.”   
“good. you should be.”

dan manages to stand up, sweep the floor, throw some paper towels down on his spilled vodka, and stumble to bed without stepping on any shattered glass. he follows phil’s instructions and practically falls asleep without even setting an alarm clock; he knows he’s gonna be out for a good while. 

**end**

  
  



	23. ancient

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> two boys thinking of who they used to be and who they could be and everything in between. :)  
i swear the next time i write about them in a fashion related to art or coffee i'll let someone fight me.  
some much needed fluff

“dan? do you believe in reincarnation? like, do you think we’ve all had past lives?”   
“i mean, i think it’s an interesting thing to think about. why?”

“sometimes i feel like i’ve known you for centuries. i feel like even though we only met a decade ago, it feels like you’ve been mine since the universe was born.” dan gives him a look with which he intends to convey a need for elaboration. “now i sound like i’m completely lunar.”

“no, i think it’s lovely, phil.” the older of the two breathes a sigh of relief and leans back in his bus seat. they’re currently on the way to an art museum; they usually try going out on wednesdays for some kind of date. if dan’s honest, they could’ve just stayed indoors and not gone out at all and he still would’ve enjoyed it. phil probably could say the same, but it’s still nice to get out of the house occasionally. 

“so, who do you think you would’ve been in a past life, if you believe in it?”   
“i like to think i would’ve been someone either everybody knew or nobody’s ever even thought about in all their years. somewhere in between an artist or an island dweller that died at age 10.”

“you’ve given this some thought, huh?”   
“i have. i think if edgar allan poe had been a gemini, you could’ve been him.”

“huh. i have to agree, although i don’t think i’m a particularly poetic type.”

“sure you are. you’ve just never written poetry beyond what you were forced to in school.”

“valid point.” dan pulls out his phone and looks up which stop they have to get off on.    
“how close are we?”   
“we still have like three stops left,” he starts. “although we could get off up here and walk the rest of the way to the museum.”

“honestly, i would like that. maybe we can find a cafe on the way and stop in for some coffee? it’s been kind of chilly today.”   
“i’d like that a lot.” 

once the bus pulls up to the stop, the two hop off and embark down the sidewalk.

“do you think edgar allan would’ve drank coffee?”   
“i think he just drank alcohol.”

“i would too if i wrote the way he did.”

“yeah.” phil gives dan a soft smile and picks up his cup with four fingers, his pinkie supporting the bottom of it.

“y’know, phil, i think you could’ve been a prince or something in your past life. not a british one, though. maybe from somewhere like bahrain or belgium.”   
“that’s so random. why, exactly?”

“i don’t know. you’ve got royal mannerisms.”   
“that’s very true. i do behave quite regally when i’m not being a clumsy doofus.”

“yeah. although i can imagine that you wouldn’t act nearly half as ridiculous as some royals do.”

“do you think you could’ve been a greek demigod or something?”   
“i see myself more as a roman if i were to be a demigod.”

“i guess i can see that.”

“i don’t much believe in ancient mythology, though.”   
“well, i’ve thought before that you could’ve been sculpted by gods.”   
“like wonder woman?”   
“yes.” dan laughs and finishes his coffee. “why don’t we go to a history museum instead? it might be more benefiicial to the conversation.”   
“good point. we would need to hop back on a bus, though, because i have no want to walk five miles.”   
“oh, definitely.”

**end**

  
  



	24. dizzy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan's running on sleep deprivation and what phil assumes to be crack.
> 
> soft and good!
> 
> tw: food

“dan, what are you doing?”   
“i’m just spinning around. why?”   
“because it’s nine in the morning and you’ve got an unnecesary amount of energy for it being this early.”   
“i didn’t even sleep!”   
“so you’re running on sleep deprivation and what i can assume to be crack?”   
“no, phil, i’ve just had a lot of coffee. the sleep deprivation part is accurate.”

“you should probably stop spinning, at least.”   
“oh god.” dan grips the counter and laughs hysterically. “i forgot spinning makes you that dizzy when you stop.”

“maybe you should sleep now?”

“ugh, i don’t know. you just woke up and i wanna spend the day with you.”   
“if you’re out of it for the entire day then you’re not even going to remember spending time with me when you wake up. please, dan. just go to sleep.”

“fine. can we at least have breakfast together first?”

“i suppose.” 

dan’s on the left side of the stove, scrambling some eggs. phil’s on the other side, flipping a pancake in a skillet. they’re not speaking, but rather taking in the silence in between them. it’s a peaceful morning; sun’s billowing in from between the blinds, the flat is a suprisingly comfortable temperature for it being late october, and the kitchen smells so extremely fantastic. 

once the food’s done, they sit at the table and converse. 

“so, dan, explain to me. why didn’t you sleep?”   
“i just didn’t feel like it. i reorganized my room a bit and then i listened to a bunch of new music and may have bought concert tickets,” phil’s eyes go wide and he takes a bite of his pancake. “can’t remember. i got a lot done, though. not something i’d recommend for the mental wellbeing of mankind, but i had fun.”   
“i mean, i guess that’s good.”   
“yeah. i think i’ll definitely sleep well today.”

“just as long as you’re not tired when you wake up and you can still fall asleep tonight, there’s no problem with it.” dan nods and sits down his glass of orange juice. 

“i’d probably not have the level of balance i do if i didn’t have you around, phil.”   
“you’re definitely correct in that.” dan chuckles and gently punches phil’s shoulder. 

“i think when people refer to their significant others as their better half, it makes sense. you’re everything i wish i had.”

“i mean, the same goes for you.”   
“that’s good to know.” 

they both finish eating and phil offers to wash the dishes.

“you’ve been awake long enough. head off to bed.”

“are you sure?”   
“positive.”   
“alright, i love you.”   
“i love you too, dan. go sleep.”   
  
and he does. 

**end**

  
  



	25. tasty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan walks in right after phil poisons their neighbour, then they run from the cops and yeah
> 
> it's set in the twenties, in new york. dan works at the city coroner's office doing autopsies.
> 
> this is the most fun i've had writing a one-off in a LONG TIME.
> 
> smut smut smUT SMUT
> 
> based on devil town by cavetown
> 
> sorry this is really messed up but like. I LOVED WRITING IT OKAY

_ life’s alright in devil town _

_ yeah right, no one’s gonna catch us now _

_ dad has bought a new car now _

_ we’re fine, no one’s gonna catch us now _

the smell of homemade pasta wafts through the small new york apartment, informing dan that they’re eating spaghetti tonight. phil always prepares it for special occasions and if he wants to impress dan or screw him. dan figures it’s probably all three, judging by how well phil’s dressed. 

“love?”   
“oh, you’re home finally. how was work today?”   
“it was good. we’ve been getting more bodies in; i think people are just getting smarter when they kill. it’s interesting to actually be able to find causes instead of just saying god struck them dead by choice or trying to decide whether they’ve offed themselves or died from heart attack. forensics are fascinating.” he strolls into the kitchen, resting his briefcase on the counter and kissing his boyfriend on the neck softly. “what’s the matter, love? you seem on edge.”   
“our neighbour figured out about us. we’re too loud at night, dear. he says we’re ungodly, and if it happens again, he’s going to have us evicted and arrested.”

“oh. good heavens,” dan starts, running a hand through his curly hair. it has him rather worried; the two have made this their home. the city breathes the air their lungs need. they couldn’t just leave it behind.   
“nothing about it is good or heavenly. imagine what would happen to us. you’d lose your job and i’d have to close down the bakery. so i took care of it. told him he could come in for lunch, we could talk it over, and we came to a resolution.” 

“oh, that’s great, love!” phil smiles, proud of himself, and turns away from the stove for a moment to embrace his lover. “you look nice,” dan starts, giving phil a suggestive head-to-toe glance. he’s got on a white dress top, a black tie, and a pair of tightly-fitting black pants that accentuate everything dan would want to see. “any reason?”   
“well, i was hoping that once we’re done with dinner, you could tear this off of me and i could do  _ ungodly _ things to you?”

dan can feel his pants tightening and he uncomfortably adjusts his standing stance. 

“you can make yourself comfortable, put a record on. i’ll have our plates ready soon, dear.” phil lets go of dan, kissing his lips and returning to the pot atop the stove. 

“philip?”

“yes, dear?”   
“can you explain to me why there’s a man sitting unconscious in our recliner?”   
“i told you we came to a resolution, yes?” 

“you didn’t kill him, did you?”

“if he didn’t smell the almond scent in his tea, then i guess i did it well.”

“you poisoned our neighbour?” dan’s skin has become nearly ghostly. he couldn‘t imagine his boyfriend ever doing something this drastic. 

“look. i felt threatened. i did what i felt was right.”

“you murdered a man.”

“he called our relationship a disease. you don’t think i’m ill, do you?”

“after this,” dan’s eyes meet phil’s. he can see the regret in his eyes; the fear of what he’s done. “i’m not sure.”

_ we’re all dead in devil town _

_ that’s fine, cause nothing’s gonna scare us now _

_ we’re all in our dressing gowns _

_ mines white and stripy yours is green and brown _

“what if we just throw his body into the hudson?”

“his family’s going to know something’s wrong if they try to visit and he’s not even home. i’m going to have to do the autopsy on his body, philip. do you want me to be the reason you get executed?”

“god, i’m sorry dear.” phil tries to grab dan’s hand, but he pulls away. “please don’t be like this right now. i need your help. i’ve never needed it more. you love me, right?”   
“i could never stop loving you. i’m just telling you what you’ve done is wrong. this is a crime, phil.”   
“so? i’d do it a thousand times if it meant i got to spend the rest of my life with you.” he reaches for dan’s hand again, this time getting a steady grip in response. “i love you so much, daniel james. you’re my man. i didn’t kill him because i’m a maniac. i killed him because i’m a lover.”

“good lord. you’re a killer, phil. you’re a killer and you love me. i love you.” 

dan is afraid. he’s afraid that this isn’t the first time phil’s done this; that the increase in dead bodies is caused by his lover.

“please listen to me, dear.”

“i’ve been listening.”   
“can we eat dinner? we can eat and discuss what we’re going to do.”

“i suppose. i’m just scared, love.”   
“of me?”   
“i’m scared because of you, not of you.”

“oh. i guess that’s better. you know i’d never hurt you.”   
“i know.” phil pulls dan closer, kissing him ever-so-softly on the forehead. “we can eat dinner now.”

_ i forgot my name again _

_ i think thats something worth remembering _

_ spiders in your favourite shoes _

_ just leave them because they’re more scared of you _

_ devil town is colder in the summer time _

_ i’ll lose my mind at least another thousand times _

_ hold my hand tight _

_ we’ll make it another night _

by the time they’ve finished dinner, phil’s already staring dan down. he’s had a couple of glasses of wine to calm his nerves, but he’s still on edge.  _ perhaps _ , he thinks,  _ there’s something here for the sake of distraction. _

“i know the circumstances are unfortunate, dear, but i would love to just lay you down on this table and ravish that body of yours.” dan fidgets a bit in his seat in an attempt to keep himself focused on the problem at hand. bright blue eyes are locked on his body, watching his every move. dan shouldn’t be turned on by this kind of intimidation, but it’s got every fibre of his being in a fit of wanton frustration.

“phil, you know there’s a dead body in our living room, right?”

“yeah, i know. i just want to do the most sinful things to you. make god angry, y’know?” phil’s diction in this very moment isn’t the only thing making dan vulnerable; he’s had a hard-on for the past few minutes, it’s the first time since he got home that he’s been able to focus on anything, and he just really wants phil on him. “i mean, if you’d rather think about a corpse, that’s fine. we can just go dump his body and fall asleep. but if we’re going to do anything, i think now would be a good time to do it.”

“you didn’t poison the spaghetti, did you?” they both chuckle and phil shakes his head.    
“i can’t get your consent if you’re dead, dear.” 

“do we have to do it on the table though?”   
“no, we’ve got a perfectly good bed for that.”

_ i still get a little scared of something new _

_ but i feel a little safer when i’m with you _

_ falling doesn’t feel so bad when i know you’ve fallen this way too _

“i don’t want you thinking about the future right now, dan. i want you focused on me. on what i’m doing. on how i feel. i want you to just feel everything that’s happening and focus on that. okay?” dan nods and phil grins down at him, eyes clouded by obvious lust and something else that his boyfriend can’t quite pinpoint. regardless, this is what dan loves. it feels wrong because all he’s known is that man and woman are the only beings that can do these things. he knows if his parents knew about this they’d never speak to him again. phil has said the same thing, but neither of them care. the fact that they can be comfortable with one another is what matters most.

“phil?” dan’s eyes are locked on the man above him, whose dark hair is starting to fall out of place. he’s beautiful when he looks like this, and it’s enough for the younger to forget the situation at hand.   
“yes?” 

“can i undress you?”   
“i wouldn’t have a problem with it.” he takes this as immediate permission and starts to undo phil’s necktie. “leave that on the bed, if you will.” 

“why?”

“i’ve got an idea; don’t worry about it.” dan nods and places the tie on the duvet next to himself. he begins unbuttoning phil’s shirt, making sure to brush his fingertips along phil’s neck while doing so. this always makes his boyfriend shiver, considering that he’s the one who does most of the touching in this position. 

“phil?”   
“what?”   
“your skin is soft. i don’t usually get to feel it, so i don’t remember what it felt like the last time.” this makes phil’s alabastrine teeth bare themselves in a smile. 

“after this you’re not going to be able to forget, baby.” phil lets the nickname slip without even thinking about it. dan’s hands are quick to pull off his shirt and begin with the button of his pants. 

“baby? that’s new.” 

“i’m taking care of you, yeah? making sure you get what you want before i get anything. plus i’ve wanted to call you that for a while and i figured now would be an alright time.”   
“i guess i can agree with that.”

dan unzips phil’s pants and the more dominant of the two stands up, letting them fall to the floor. the more submissive stares at the end of the bed, absorbing the sight of phil’s skin, his chest, his everything in view. it just makes him want all of this so much more. 

“now we’ve gotta get you undressed. i think you can do that for yourself, daniel, since you did it for me.” dan nods, pulling his work shirt off over his head. his lover’s intense gaze only makes him more flustered, causing him to fumble his hands in the process. “goodness, you’re helpless.” phil’s hands find themselves on his waist, fingers gently reaching past the hem of dan’s pants and his boxer. he pulls them down, gripping dan’s thighs immediately afterward. “you’re beautiful, baby. y’know that? look at that cock. god, you’re gorgeous.” dan’s face goes bright red and he goes to cover his face with his hands. “that reminds me!’

“what are you doing?”   
  


phil grabs his necktie and tells dan to close his eyes. a few moments later, he’s got dan’s hands fastened together so that they can’t be moved; his arms are pinned underneath him. 

“i don’t want you touching me, dan. i know you’ll try pulling my hair or pushing my head down onto your dick, but that’s not your job. it’s mine. i’m the one who gets to do that and i’m going to make sure i do it correctly. got it?” his voice almost has a stab to it, like he’s channeling every bit of anger into his speech.   
“mhm.”   
“what was that?”   
“yes, sorry.” 

“good.” dan’s not used to phil being this controlling, but he has to admit he’s into it. he’s not sure how he feels about his hands being restrained, but he likes that he’s practically helpless. he thinks it’s hot, but he doesn’t want to tell phil this just yet. “i think i’ll start here,” phil kisses dan upon his mouth, gently biting his lower lip and retrieving a gasp in response. “you’re so weak. is that really all it takes to get you to make noises for me?” dan frowns at him and stares up at the ceiling. “and then i’ll move down here,” his mouth lands on the left side of dan’s neck, where he begins a trail of kisses that ends on the right side. it’s all dan has in him to hold his breath; phil knows exactly where all his weak spots are and it seems he’s determined to get to all of them. 

“maybe i’ll mark you up, daniel. whenever you look in the mirror you’ll remember you’re mine.”   
“you’re being possessive.”   
“what’s your point, doll?” yet again, another nickname phil’s never used. he’s much more caring in his name calling when they’re fucking, much more careless in his actions. he knows dan likes being hurt; he leaves his journal open on the bed all the time when he leaves for work.    
“i like it.”   
“good. i like it too.” phil bites dan’s neck, eliciting a sharp whine from his boy’s mouth. “you like that, don’t you?” 

“how would you- oh good lord.”   
“i thought it’d take you less time to figure that out.” dan’s frown grows wider. 

“that’s why three pages were missing.”   
“you counted?”   
“they’re numbered, jerk.”   
“what was that?” dan’s frightened eyes dart back to phil, whose eyebrows are arched upward in anger.    
“i’m sorry, but that’s something really rude for you to do.”   
“what, take pages out of the journal that you left open on your side of the bed that were specifically written to me?”

“yes.”   
“am i at least doing this stuff correctly?”

“i mean, you could bite me harder.” 

“dan, you’re so needy.”

“i mean, you could use stronger words, love.” phil can recall exactly three names dan had written down in that journal of his, but he’s not intending on using any of them unless the man gets defiant.

“i know i could, but you looked like you were about to cry just a moment ago, and i don’t want to hurt your feelings.” phil’s mind is set on not upsetting his boyfriend any more than he already did earlier; he doesn’t want to see that much fear in his eyes ever again.

“ugh, fine.” 

_ life’s a treat in devil town _

_ my ears have acclimated to the sound _

_ pretty faces fly around and round _

_ my head as it contemplates this town i’ve found _

“say, dan, how would you like it if i did-” he sinks his nails into the skin on the underside of dan’s thigh, watching him arch slightly under his touch. “-this?”

“meh.” dan’s trying to act as if he’s not into it, but the precum on his cock, his movement, and his bright red face tell phil otherwise. 

“darn. i guess i’ll just stop then.” dan’s eyes go wide nad phil knows he’s hit another weak spot. 

“phil?”   
“what is it?”

“can you touch me?”

“i am touching you, dear. is it not enough for you?”

“i meant to ask if you would touch me, like, well. you know.”   
“do i?”   
“yes.”   
“i think you need to be more specific, honey. i’m just not picking up.” he definitely is, but he loves teasing dan this way.

“please?”   
“please  **what** ?”

“please, will you touch my...my,” he starts getting shaky. he usually doesn’t even like referring to his dick, much less asking phil to jack him off.

“dan, honey, if it’s going to upset you that much to say it you don’t have to.”

“no, no, i can do it.”

“then get on with it.”   
“y’know what? i don’t even want you to touch my dick, phil. i want you to fuck me. please. however you want. i just want something inside of me. please?” phil sits back in bewilderment.   
“that wasn’t written down.”

“it’s because i wasn’t sure if i’d like it. plus, i can’t make it that easy for you.”

“i suppose i can. are you sure?”   
“please.” phil’s grin grows more tender, his eyebrows rearing themselves in a gentle manner. dan notices phil’s more soft demeanor and begins to wonder why he’s changed. as he’s pondering the subject to himself, phil thrusts into dan, immediately hitting his prostate. the noise dan makes is almost as ungodly as the actions they’re committing. phil loves hearing dan like this; he likes knowing exactly what he’s doing to him.

“why didn’t you warn me?” phil pulls out and repeats what he’s doing, laughing slightly to keep his own noises from escaping. 

“i figured a surprise would be nice.” dan groans, trying to reach for phil but remembering his hands are restrained. 

“i guess. it kind of hurt, though. you could’ve done something before hand.”   
“but i didn’t. and now you’re doing just fine, right?”   
“yeah.”   
“exactly. that’s why i did it.” phil can feel himself nearing climax, a wave of heat building itself in the pit of his abdomen. he doesn’t want to yet, however. he’s determined to make dan cum first. he pulls out of dan’s ass, leaving him feeling almost empty. 

“philll, why’d you stop?”   
“i can’t let you have more fun than me.”   
“please? i was so close.”   
“i know. i’m working on that.” he grips the base of dan’s cock in his right hand, watching dan’s face as he jacks him off. it’s heavenly to see his expressions; his responses to something so filthy are so innocent. 

“phil, i’m gonna-”

“i know. go ahead.”

so he does, and it’s all over phil’s chest, and he laughs because he knows this should disgust him but it doesn’t. phil finishes himself off too, heading to take a shower. dan reluctantly follows him.

“phil, we’re going to hell.” this statement reminds him of everything that has occurred in the past few hours.

“what do you mean, dear?”   
“i mean we’re disgusting. that’s sinful. nobody’s going to accept that no matter how much we hope they will.”   
“nobody’s around to tell us what we’re doing is wrong anymo- oh god.” he’s just ruined the perfect, blissful air that surrounds them with a sharp, discordant slap in his own face.

_ it’s lovely in the evening time but _

_ every time i close my eyes the _

_ sunshine gets a little dimmer _

_ now the clouds fall down _

“oh, phil, i think i’m going to be sick.” phil steps back and looks away while dan hurls into the toilet. he looks like he’s about to cry when he stands back up. “we’re criminals, aren’t we?”

“we’ll be fine, dear. we’re smart. at least, i think we are. we can figure something out.”

“but what if we don’t?”   
“well, if we don’t, then i guess we’re screwed.”

“i’m scared.” phil nods, holding dan’s hand gently.    
“i am too.”

“why are you scared? you’re the one that murdered the man.”    
“because i didn’t want to. i don’t know what took control of me.”

“you said it was because you love me.”

“and i do. i would do it again and again if it meant i could stay with you.”   
“then why did you say you didn’t know what took control of you?”

“i wouldn’t have ever thought to kill the man if i didn’t feel the urge to do it. we had pleasant conversation.”   
“are you saying you’ve gone lunar, phil?”   
“i don’t know, dear. i don’t know.”   
“well, allow me to brush my teeth and clean off first, then we can decide what to do with his corpse.” 

“allow me to join you.”

_ i sink my teeth into my fingers _

_ blossom swims across the river _

_ how do you feel so proud _

the two redress, phil in his clothing from earlier and dan in his matching suit. they look good together, although none of them bother to notice the fact. both men are focused on handling the body in the recliner while keeping the matter discreet. 

  
“what if they see us?”   
“who?”   
“his family. what if they come home and see us while we’re carrying him out?”   
“maybe we could throw him in a box or something?”   
“i guess.” 

“whose suitcase are we using?”   
“not mine, philip. good lord.”    
“then we’ll use mine. it’s bigger anyway.” dan rolls his eyes and heads to their bedroom, grabbing phil’s suitcase from the top of the closet. inside is a poorly-shot photo of them from a vacation to massachusetts. they’re both in their finest dress, hats accentuating pretty hairstyles they hadn’t tried until then. that was the first time they ever slept together. if they were married, it would’ve been their honeymoon. phil loved the scenery, dan loved the beach, and it all worked out perfectly for them.

dan looks over the image lovingly, the corners of his eyes welling up. they may never get to do this again.

“are you ready, phil?”   
“i suppose.” the two pick the man up, uncomfortably contorting his body in order to fit him into the luggage bag. “are we going to make it?”   
“you said it yourself, we’ll figure something out. if we don’t, it’s on you.”   
“i know,” phil sighs, noticing the tears rolling down dan’s bright red cheeks. “daniel, dear, are you alright?”   
“no. i have this awful feeling in my gut. not because of earlier, but because of what we’re about to get into.”   
“if it all goes well, we won’t get into anything.”   
“yeah, but won’t that guilt just eat you away?” 

“i mean, i don’t feel bad about what i did.”   
“you’ve gotta be a sociopath to not feel bad about what you’ve done, phil.”   
“oh, so i’m crazy?”   
“that’s not what i said. i just don’t think you’re mentally well.”   
“you’re the love of my life, dan. do you think those are words i want to hear coming from you?”   
“nobody else is qualified to tell you, i think i might as well.” dan stares down at his shoes, knowing that the amount of running they’ll have to do to get away if they’re found is going to break them down; whether it will break down his shoes or the two of them, he can’t tell. they’re already halfway there.

“come on, before it gets dark out.” 

phil zips the suitcase up, gripping the handle and pulling it by its wheels. he hopes the zipper doesn’t break or that the bag doesn’t fall down the stairs while they exit. these should be the least of his concerns, but he knows if one thing goes wrong he’ll end up dead, in prison, or both.

dan opens the door of their apartment, heading down the stairs with his lover in his shadow. the shallow “thunk, thunk” of suitcase wheels and footsteps practically echoes through his head. he’s so terrified of everything that can possibly go wrong that he doesn’t even begin to consider any of this going right. phil can tell that dan doesn’t see them getting away with this; he doesn’t think they will, either. 

“evening, gents!” the officer at the bottom of the stairs greets them. “how are we this evening?”   
“oh, we’re lovely. my friend daniel here is just driving me to the train station. you know how business trips are.”   
“oh, doctor howell! we’ve heard great things about you down at the station.” dan swallows thickly, the amount of tension built in his body unhealthy for any living being. he waves and stares back at the ground. “what’s the matter, son? you look like you’ve killed a man.” 

“why would you say that?”   
“I’m only joking, calm down. it’d be pretty stupid of a medical examiner to kill a man.”

“haha, true.” 

“well, you two have a lovely evening. have a safe trip, sir.” phil nods and bids the officer farewell, his boyfriend sprinting to catch up with him.

“when are we going to get tired of having to pretend we’re just friends and roommates? it hurts.”   
“i mean, if it wasn’t illegal, i’d shout it off the rooftops. you know that.”   
“you poisoned our damn neighbour and that’s illegal. who sasy you can’t just go shouting that i’m your man? and that you’re mine?”

“electric therapy, dear.”

“i guess that’s a good point.” phil chuckles and continues pulling the suitcase. their manhattan apartment isn’t too far from the water; they could just walk a couple of blocks and get there on time. before they can even begin their journey, the ear-splitting sound of a nearby police siren going off startles both of them to their bones. 

“dan?”   
“yes, love?”

“do you think that’s for us?”   
“i wouldn’t doubt it for the world.” phil begins to laugh anxiously.

“i’m sure it’s just a coincidence.”   
“we just saw a policeman less than three minutes ago. do you really think he was just there to ask us how we’re doing?”   
“oh god. do you think his family figured out?”   
“they have to have figured it out.”

“that’s it. we’re deadmen, phil. we’re finished.”

“maybe we could take the train. they wouldn’t find us on there.”   
“police exist on trains too, you dimwit.”

“i don’t have time for the snarky remarks right now. please, can we just find somewhere to hide?”   
“why not your bakery?”

“because that’s one of the first places they’d look. it’s not worth it.”   
“it’s better than getting killed in the street.”

“i guess you’re right.”

so they embark down the alley up ahead, phil pulling the suitcase behind him and dan jogging steadily behind him.

“what do we do about his body?”   
“incinerate it?”

“how do you suppose we do that, love?”   
“bakeries have ovens.”   
“you really want to clean a dead man’s ashes out of your confectioner’s oven?”   
“good point. why don’t we just throw him down the trash chute instead?”   
“because they’d be able to find him there, too.”   
“damn it.”

“i say we abandon his damn body and run until we find a place.”   
“fine. if you insist.” phil finds the nearest dumpster and goes to pull the suitcase over his head. “would here be fine?”   
“i mean, he’s already gone. it doesn’t matter. toss him in.” so phil does, brushing his hands off in doing so. the police wagon speeds down the main street that the alley breaks off from and the both of them feel their hearts drop into their soles. it’s a matter of how well they’ve camouflaged into their surroundings at this point.

_ every time i close my eyes the colours fade and change inside my mouth  _

_ it’s all too loud _

_ i sink my teeth into my fingers _

_ blood forms branches in the water _

by the time the sun’s down, they’ve made it well into greenwich village, stopping in the park on christopher street. 

“they’re going to kill us, phil. when they find us, they’re taking us down.” by this point, dan’s well past the point of panicking; there’s no calming his senses. he knows that if they’re found, they’re dead. phil’s well aware too, but he’s much less upset over it; he knows that his actions have consequences and that if they’re caught, he’s not letting dan take the fall for what phil has done.

“they won’t take you, dan. they’re going to want me. i’m the poisoner, not you.”

“yeah, but what if they do?”   
“til death do us part, dear. til death do us part.”

**end**

  
  



	26. dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> small bit of conversation based around clothing. super cute and not at all comparable to the previous oneshot

“phil, can you help me pick out something to wear?”  
“your entire wardrobe is the same colour. i’m sure you’ll be fine.”  
“well yeah, but i’d like your opinion for once on what i should wear. please?”  
“fine.” 

phil walks in to see dan standing in a completely black ensemble of clothing; black turtleneck sweater (which phil admits looks pretty damn good on the boy), black jeans (the usual), and black socks with stars on them. 

“does it look fine?”  
“depending on the purpose, yeah.”  
“what do you mean, “depending on the purpose”?”  
“you look like you’re an alternative radio host or the backup guitarist for a band that only plays in cafes and subway stations.”  
“i’ll take that as a compliment.”  
“why do you always wear dark clothes?”  
“i don’t always wear dark clothes.”  
“show me one shirt that’s brighter in colour than green in your wardrobe.”  
“okay, valid point. why do you always wear bright clothes?”  
“because i like my clothes looking happy.”  
“are you saying my clothing looks sad?”  
“no, i’m just saying your clothing makes you look sad.”  
“how is that?”  
“i don’t know. i just associate dark colours with sadness and bright ones with happiness.”  
“dark colours are more comforting to me.”  
“how’s that?”  
“i don’t know. they remind me of sleep.”  
“huh.”  
“yeah. plus, i’m just so used to wearing them that i don’t ever plan on changing.”  
“that makes sense, i suppose. that turtleneck looks great on you, by the way.”  
“oh, really? i thought it did, but that’s what i actually wanted your opinion on.”  
“yeah. you look nice, although your shades of black aren’t matching.” phil laughs at the end of his declaration and begins walking out of dan’s room. dan chases after him, screaming. both of them burst into laughter and spend a good few minutes just running around their flat.


	27. coat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> part two of chapter 11 (snow)  
(dan returns phil’s coat, they make out a tiny bit, dan’s not ready for anything too serious yet)

a quick knock on the door is followed by an even quicker opening of the door. dan’s been waiting by the door since 5:30 (it’s now 5:47), and phil’s been checking the time on his phone every five minutes since he left earlier. 

“i just realized a few minutes ago,” dan begins, his voice a little bit less ruined than it was earlier. “that i never handed you back your coat.” phil’s eyes squint a little in sync with the rest of his face as he smiles. he takes the jacket out of dan’s arms, thanking him and hanging it on the armrest of the couch. 

“well, thank you for returning it. maybe next time you should wear your own?”   
“look, phil, i had a ride to work this morning and it wasn’t as chilly.”   
“huh. i guess that makes sense.” dan heads into the kitchen and grabs everything necessary for hot cocoa. “while that’s on the stove, we could talk, orrr…..”

“or?”   
“we could like. hella make out?”   
“why even make the hot cocoa if that’s what you’re going to suggest?”   
“so that’s a yes to making out?”

“of course, you absolute buffoon.” dan’s eyes roll back in laughter and he returns the hot cocoa ingredients back to their designated spots in the kitchen. 

they’re back to their prior position; phil hovering over dan and dan staring adoringly at phil.

“you never kissed me on the lips earlier. you got my neck and my forehead but not my lips.”   
“did that bother you?”   
“i mean, i guess not. i just wish you would have.”   
“then i will.” 

phil leans in, but dan’s worried because he has never kissed anyone on the lips before. not in all his years. then again, there’s always a first time for everything, and if dan managed to give phil head before kissing him there’s really nothing to lose at this point. 

that’s when their lips meet for the first time. yeah, they’ve connected on a much deeper level than this, but it feels so damn natural for both of them. phil has been in relationships where his feelings were never once reciprocated. dan’s never had much relationship experience in general, but he can tell phil’s going to change that for him.

the older of the two seems to take a general sense of control, allowing dan to follow his movements and get used to everything he does. it’s useful, the younger recognizes. there are evidently a lot of things that dan didn’t know about himself up until this very day, and phil’s teaching him little by little.

“phil?” dan begins, pulling away.   
“yeah?”   
“i don’t think i’m ready.”   
“for?”   
“uh. god. i don’t know how to word it.”   
“oh. haha, i understand.” dan’s face goes red. he knows he probably sounds like he’s never been anything in his life but awkward. “you look embarrassed.”

“i’ve never had that done before. i just don’t know. i’m sorry.”   
“don’t worry about it, i’m just messing with you, dan. if you’re not ready, we don’t have to do anything like that. some hot cocoa really does sound good, though.”   
“oh, you’re so right.”

end 

  
  



	28. ride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i had previously uploaded this one but deleted it with the rest of my old oneshot collection. enjoy!!!
> 
> “do you wanna go on a road trip? if you drive, i’ll bring the trail mix”
> 
> in which it’s summer, the air conditioner isn’t working, and neither dan nor phil wants to be home. they decide to take a drive, losing the map and forgetting phone chargers. based on road trip by diet cig

“i’m tired of sleeping naked. it’s comfortable, but i love pyjamas.” phil complains, wiping a bead of sweat from his forehead.

“agreed.” his flatmate groans. dan’s hair is beginning to grow even curlier from the sheer humidity in the flat.

“did you talk to the guy at the utility office?”   
“yeah. i was informed that they’re already taking care of a lot of repairs and probably won’t be able to get here for another week.”

“a week? christ on a bike, daniel. can’t we get a fan or something?”   
“they’re sold out.”   
“everywhere?” 

“everywhere within a reasonable driving distance, yeah.” both boys sigh, upset and tired and a little too sweaty for comfort. “say, phil?”

“yeah?”

“do you wanna go on a road trip? anything beats being here, to be quite honest.”

“a road trip. hmm.”

“we can pack a couple bags, stock up on snacks, get a map, find some places to go to, take pictures, and come back when our ac is fixed. how about it?”

“that sounds pleasant. when do we leave?” the two rush to get things around, tossing enough short sleeved clothing for a week into duffle bags. phil packs up all the shower necessities, dan grabs all the nonperishable snacks, and the boys meet in the living room.

“dan, can you drive?”

“you know i’m awful at driving.”

“yeah, this is true. you can hold the map.”

“deal. let’s hit up a petrol station and fill up, grab some water bottles, and ask for physically printed directions.” they exit the flat, slamming the door out of excitement and running down the hall to the elevator. even the interior of the lift is arid and icky. 

\---

they’ve driven about an hour and a half before the car’s tank is half empty.

“i’m excited, phil!” the younger boy exclaims through his window. phil is filling the car up and dan’s sitting with a few snacks, a map of the country, and some “quality hydration”, as the generic bottles read.

“as am i. this should be fun, and if it isn’t, at least it’s less miserable than home. plus, the car has a working heating and cooling system. we’ve hit a jackpot, haven’t we?”

“indeed.” once the tank is filled, they pull away and continue their four-wheeled trek. 

it’s a few minutes before either of them speak again. 

“my phone’s at 25%. would you mind plugging it in?”

“sure, where’s the charger?” 

phil’s gone quiet.

“don’t tell me you’ve forgotten the charger.”

“i’d be lying.”   
“good lord, phil. where’s the next convenience store?”

“uh… you’ve got the map.” 

“alright, let me just check the bag.” dan begins digging, alarmed when he cannot find exactly what he’s looking for. “hmm. perhaps it’s in my pocket.” 

“you’re wearing pocketless shorts.”   
“oh god.”

“backseat, maybe? we should pull over and check.” the car makes a screeching halt and finds a place at the side of the grey, scorching road. bath shouldn’t ever be this hot, but it is and they must deal with it. 

a few clammy minutes and a lot of searching later, they sit empty-handed in the backseat of the little black car. dan has spent a moment or two swearing under his breath. swearing at the weather, at the lack of charger cords, at the loss of their only point of direction, and at the fact that the previously purchased water bottles are both empty at this point. phil grabs a semi-tan hand with his pale one, trying to calm his friend down. the cursing continues. 

“you’ve still got battery on your cell, yeah?”

“mhm. about 60%. the heat isn’t really helping it, either. blasted iphones.”

“well, how about you turn on low power mode and we turn around or try navigating ourselves to another station or shop? i’m sure the people there would help.”

“i suppose. google says there’s a sainsbury’s on monmouth, if you know how to get there from here.” 

“i can manage. just help me by watching the road signs and letting me know when you see one.” the car doors slam shut and they’re off again, windows up and cold air on full blast. after a few turns, they’ve found monmouth street and start to look around for their destination. 

\---

“...as you can tell, we’ve gotten ourselves into a bit of a predicament here, sir.” 

“oh dear, that doesn’t sound all too fun.” the kind old shopkeeper stares at the tall, slightly sunburnt men who’ve just stormed in searching for cords, water, and assistance.

“the air conditioner at our flat back in london is b-”

“you’re here from london?”

“we thought a road trip would be a better idea than staying in our saharafied apartment. obviously we weren’t as well-prepared as we thought.” he nods, searching through the drawers under the counter for any paper maps. 

“well, chargers are toward the back, near the crisps and beverages, and as for your way home, here’s this.” dan clutches the paper tightly. 

“how much for this?”

“no charge. nothing i couldn’t tell you myself if i knew the area.” 

“thank you, sir.” he smiles and rings up phil’s items before the two head back out to the car. 

“do you want to keep driving or should we go back home?”

“can we take a break?” phil stretches his arms in front of his chest. “i’m exhausted and i kind of need a nap.” 

“let me go in and ask if we can stay parked here. wouldn’t want to get towed, y’know?”

“haha, yeah. i’ll lean the back seats back so we can lie down. okay?”

“mhm.” daniel runs into the shop and returns, giving phil a thumbs-up to signal that  _ yes, loitering on the basis of sleep is legal.  _

“lock the car doors and leave the ac on, please. i don’t want to bake like a potato in this heat.”

“sure thing.” dan does as he’s told, climbing in the back once he’s done. he’s situated himself in the left seat with a towel to rest his head, facing phil.

“well, this has been a disaster.”   
“it’s been a fun disaster, at least.” phil nods in agreement, staring over at dan.

“this is a whole lot better than home, especially in this heat. thank you.”

“you drove us.”

“well, yeah. but you recommended it. we’d be sweating our asses off if we stayed inside all day.”

“true.” 

now they’re just glaring at each other in the cooled backseat, and phil doesn’t know whether or not he should move in for the simple fact that  _ this is his best friend we’re talking about _ , but before he gets the chance dan’s lips are already on his. phil’s taken aback, and naturally, he pulls away before things go too far. to save the friendship, if nothing else.

“god, i’m sorry. that was stupid. i’m sorry.” 

“hmm?” phil hasn’t quite processed what’s happened. he’s stuck in between calm and anxious. a small manic wave of  _ what the hell?  _ mixed with  _ good lord _ . 

“i said that was stupid. what i did. god. you don’t even feel that way. why the hell? what the hell? i’m dumb. i’m sorry.”

“what are you sorry for? i didn’t particularly dislike it.”

“what?”

“i said i didn’t particularly dislike it. i just don’t want anything ruined.”   
“oh.” there’s enough tension in the silent air to give either of them a nosebleed and dan wishes he could curl up into a ball and disappear completely from where he is.

“you can do it again if you’d like. it doesn’t have to mean anything, y’know? we’re just a couple of pals in the back of a car in the middle of the summer, trying something out. if this ends up not working well, we’ll get home and just forget this happened, right?” 

“right.” 

so dan initiates and phil quickly follows. both are sitting up now, the younger leaning back against the car door behind him and the older leaning slightly over him, lips still pressed close together. while they’ve agreed that it’s not going to mean anything, they’d mutually love for this to continue as long and frequently as it possibly can. before it can get too intimate, daniel reminds philip, whose hands have found their way up into his hair, that they’re in a sainsbury’s parking lot in broad daylight and there’s no point in staying out of the flat any later than they already have. it’d be more expensive than just going to a department store or shopping centre around these parts and finding some fans for home. 

phil’s back in the driver’s seat. dan’s on the passenger’s side. they take off, headed to tr hayes and then home.

\---

it’s around 9pm by the time they get home. the boys plug in the six fans they purchased all over the flat, quietly heading to their respective rooms in a failed attempt to rid their minds of the fact that they quite literally made out in phil’s car earlier that day. dan has almost fallen asleep when he hears soft footsteps and an equally soft knock on his door. 

“yeah, phil?”

“can i come in?”

“sure.” the door creaks open and phil enters, sitting at the edge of the black and white covered bed. “what’s up?”

“can we take another road trip sometime? preferably soon?”

“if you just wanna go on a trip so we can make out, i don’t see why we can’t just do it right here, right now.”

“oh. okay.”

“ _ how about it _ ?” 

“if you can turn the fan up, yes.” dan frantically reaches from his bed to change the strength setting on his fan, turning his head back to lock chocolatey browns with icy blues and only a little bit arrogantly thinking to himself,  _ all of this because i lost the map, huh?  _

_ end _

  
  



	29. injured

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which phil is a rich gay kid with internalized homophobia and dan’s the comfortably out kid he picks on because of it, but dan fights back because phIL ACTUALLY HURTS HIM THIS TIME

“oh, i’m so hurt. you really got me there, lester. for god’s sake, can you think of anything else to insult me with? or are you so scared of your own insecurities that you’re just going to push me around for it?”

“do you think it’s smart, howell, for you to speak to me like that considering the situation you’re in?” phil’s got one of his hands resting on a locker, the other hand pushing dan’s shoulder back. 

“considering you probably like doing this, i’m not too bothere- OW, you son of a bitch! what was that for?” dan’s stood with his left arm twisted behind his back, facing away from phil. his face is pressed against the locker. 

“listen, you parasite,” phil starts. half the things he’s saying are things he doesn’t even think about dan. at this point, he’s trying to perfect the art of keeping up appearances, and those appearances just happen to be the straight teenage boy type. “i can’t have you around me. i can’t have you looking at me. i can’t even have you breathing the same air as me. you already make me sick.”   
“phil, dear, you can’t catch a disease you already have. besides, if you think i’m interested in you, you’d be dead wrong.” this is dan’s side of the lie. if he could marry the boy tomorrow, he would. all phil needs is a kick in the knees and for someone to let him know his friends can’t mistreat him just because he thinks boys are pretty. 

“i see how you look at me during french, dan. i know you’re up to something. and if you so much as even THINK about asking me out, i’m going to find you and make sure you don’t walk again. got it?” dan swallows nervously and nods. “good, now leave. i’m sure your mom’s waiting for you outside.”

  
“asshole.” the younger grabs his bookbag, reaching up to fix his hair but immediately noticing a sharp pain in his left arm. he winces, dropping his bag and slinking down to the floor.   
“what was that, howell?”   
“i called you an asshole, phil. do you wanna know why?” still standing, phil leans against the locker and glares down at him. 

“this should be good.”   
“that’s my writing arm. that’s my door opening arm. that’s my drawing and painting and bottom half of the piano arm. you could’ve gone for the right arm, but you didn’t, and it feels like if you didn’t break something, you definitely pulled something. you’re cruel. you’re mean to people because you can’t handle your own issues. you’re never going to realize how destructive your behaviour is until it’s too late and the way you treat people comes back to haunt you. how would you like it if i just didn’t show up tomorrow? or ever again? would you move schools to attack me? follow me around like a lost puppy just so you can drop every single problem you’ve ever had on me and act like it’s my fault you’re queer? you can’t do that to me. or anybody. you’re a damn monster, and i’m actually quite sickened that i have to be the one to tell you that.” 

at the end of his homily-turned-invective, dan takes a large breath and starts to sob into his right arm’s sweatshirt sleeve. this is when phil truly realizes he’s done something wrong. 

“how did you figure out i’m gay, dan? how’d you do it?”   
“your jeans are already too high on your ankles and you cuff them anyway.”   
“is that really what gave me away?”   
“god, of course it isn’t. do you really think something like that is going to make me think you’re not straight? you’ve never bullied me for anything other than the fact that i like boys. i’ve come to school with clothes that don’t even match a little bit just to see if it would throw you off and you still asked me how much dick i’ve sucked lately! you’re so damn naive, phil.”

“hmm. you’re a lot more observant than i am, i guess.”   
“yeah? here’s something for you to observe, phil. if my left arm didn’t feel like it was on fire right now, i’d punch you square in the gut. i hate you for that. i hate you for a lot of things. here’s something else for you to observe, phil. it gets so tiring for me to exist sometimes because of people like you. i’m sorry that you’re jealous of the fact that i can just be. i’m who i am 24/7 and that makes you furious! it makes you so upset. your problem is that your friends are just like sports cars and rolex watches. status symbols. you don’t even recognize who you’re around half the time; you just like them because you’re all richy-rich kids living in the stupid suburbs with your stupid perfect families and your stupid purebred dogs. i’m sick of it.”

“i didn’t know you felt like that.”   
“that’s because you never let me tell you. i have tried so many times to just reason with you but you laugh in my face, call me names that i’m positive your precious mum and dad would wash your mouth out with soap for back home, and go on with your life. you’re such a hypocrite, phil. such a hypocrite. pride’s going to be the death of you and whether you want to admit it or not, you know i’m right.” dan’s tears have finally stopped but he’s still staring at the old tile flooring. 

“do you need a ride home?”   
“yeah. my mom doesn’t even come to pick me up. i usually walk home.”   
“you live twenty minutes away in driving distance.”   
“and? i like walking. it gives me time to cry and write poems to myself out loud and yell into the sky about how much i hate you.”   
“well, the least i can do is drive you to the hospital and get your arm checked out.”   
“you’d do that?”   
“yeah. i’d probably just beat myself up too if i didn’t.” dan smiles a little and grins up at phil. 

“let me grab my bag and we can head off.”

“cool.”

**end**

  
  



	30. catch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> phil takes dan to meet his family!  
also he proposes. yes i know i've already written one with them proposing to each other but this is cute so please just let me have my moment okay?
> 
> also happy birthday martyn what a legend. we stan wow

“so, this is the boy you’re dating? so nice to finally meet you, daniel. i’m kathryn, phil’s mum.” she reaches out an arm to pull dan in for a hug and he complies. the height difference between the two is almost hilarious, but neither of them comment because they’re both well aware.

“it’s a pleasure, mrs. lester. you’ve raised your boy well.” she smiles, full of pride for herself and her son.

“philip, dear, he’s a real catch. if you ever hurt him, i personally will adopt him as my own son.”  
“you’re MY mother, not his.”   
“i know. he’s just such a treat.” dan laughs awkwardly and grabs phil’s hand. they’re at one of the lester family’s dinner parties and dan’s wondering why he hadn’t met them sooner. they’re all so warm and welcoming. 

“so, dan, what do you do for a living?” phil’s dad takes a sip of coffee and glances down at his son’s boyfriend. 

“well, i’m an editor for a newspaper. my folks wanted me to be a lawyer but that wasn’t at all what i wanted. it’s a fun job, though.” mr. lester smiles and takes another sip. 

“sounds delightful. i’m sure you and phil don’t have many schedule conflicts then?”

“nah, we usually take the same bus and just get off at different stops. it’s really nice getting to spend so much time with him.”

“do you two live together?” phil’s older brother, martyn, chimes in for the first time in the whole evening. the two nod, both attempting to finish mouthfuls of food while also answering his question. “that’s lovely. i’ve been thinking about asking cornelia to move in with me, but i don’t know if it’s too soon yet.”  
“that woman loves you, martyn. she’d probably say yes if you asked her to marry her tomorrow.”   
“well, i was planning on asking her friday, but if tomorrow would work, then i guess i could.” kathryn and her husband both gasp. phil begins to clap for martyn. 

“you have to do it! do it at the same time, but ask her to move in first and if she says that she wants to wait until you’re married, pop the question!”  
“you’ve thought about this a lot, dan, haven’t you?” phil sends him a side-eyed glance, taking a bite of garlic bread. soon, all the eyes in the room are on him.

“i just watch a lot of reality television, sorry.” they all laugh and return to their food and conversation. 

once dinner slows and everyone’s either focused on the football game on tv or their phones, phil turns to his boyfriend.

“dan?”  
“mhm?”   
“are you ready to leave?”   
“i mean, it’s your family. whenever you want to head home we can head home.” phil nods and stands up, running a hand through his hair and reaching into his coat pocket on the back of his dining chair. he pulls out a box, clearing his throat to get everyone’s attention.

“phil. phil? what are you doing? what is that?”  
“daniel james howell, will you do me the honour-”

“phil, oh my god.” dan’s face is bright red and he looks as if he’s going to burst into tears. 

“-of being my husband?” everyone’s faces are lit up and martyn’s smiling. 

“i didn’t think you were actually going to do it, phil, but you did it.”

“thanks for being a distraction, martyn. so, dan, will you?”  
“of course. good lord, did you think i would say no?”   
“nah, never in a million years.”   
“good. i love you so much, phil.”   
“i love you too.”

**end**

  



End file.
